Dog really feeling the pressure of making owner more interesting

A DOG is feeling the strain of having to compensate for his owner’s lack of personality.

Two-year-old beagle Oscar quickly came to realise that owner Emma Bradford expects him to charm and entertain people and thus improve her social life.

Oscar said: “She gets chatting to people in the street about me and takes me to parties where I don’t know anyone, assuming I want to meet all her equally boring friends.

“I’m cool with looking cute and jumping around in a playful way, but I’ve only got so many tricks up my sleeve. I’m worried that begging for a biscuit just isn’t pulling in the punters anymore.

“Sure, I can roll over or hilariously chase a moth if I need to. But Emma needs to start developing her own personality if she wants to make friends or meet a guy.

“Also some of it is pretty fake. I can’t just chase the ball, I’ve got to keep doing it until Emma gets just the right picture for bloody Instagram.”

Bradford said: “Look, he’s doing that thing with his tail again. Would you like to meet up for a drink, by the way? I can bring Oscar.”

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What totally regrettable thing will you be doing if England win... or lose?

WITH a chance of going through to the World Cup final at stake, England vs. Sweden is going to be somewhat tense. So how will you be losing your shit over the outcome?

If England wins

Offer to buy everyone in the pub a drink. Then remember there are bloody 300 people there precisely because it’s a crucial England game. Do the only sane thing and run off.

Get an England tattoo, ideally something deranged like the entire team drawn on your body. Then really hope they win the tournament because you’ve got Gareth Southgate’s frowning face peeking over your collar for the rest of your life.

As is traditional, strip off and run around naked. Note: Do NOT do this in places with a large number of nettles, barbed wire fences or ‘paedo hunter’ vigilantes.

Get drunker than you’ve ever been before. Have your enjoyment of the quarter-finals somewhat marred by drinking your lager through a straw.

If England loses

Shamefully vent your anger on anything Swedish. Smash your copy of Abba’s Arrival then, in a fit of regret, mentally apologise to Agnetha, Anni-Frid, Benny and Bjorn.

Despite being a grown man, sob uncontrollably like a little girl who’s lost her dolly. Then remember everyone has a camera on their phone and it may not be the last time you hear of this.

If you’re part of the hooligan element, irrationally wreck whichever bar or pub you’re in. It’s entirely likely the fake Irish pub chain O’Neills helped Sweden cheat their way to victory.

Get drunker than you’ve ever been before. Have your misery at England being knocked out compounded by not being able to open a Becks due to your plaster casts.

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