Dogging on foot: The pervert's guide to cutting your energy bills

LOOKING to save money on your gas and electricity bills while still getting your rocks off? Penny-pinching pervert Nathan Muir gives his advice. 

Go dogging on foot

There’s no greater thrill than parking up in a lay-by in Woking to watch an overweight butcher make love to his wife in a Nissan Qashqai. But do it every night and your petrol costs will spiral. Instead, go by foot – just remember to bring food and warm clothes for the four-hour round trip.

Try energy-conscious role-play

Bringing role-play into the bedroom can be a thrilling experience. Why not adopt the persona of a highly-sexed but deeply energy-conscious person who gets off on turning off all the lights in their house and any appliances on standby? After 20 minutes of erotic build-up – including turning the thermostat right down – you’ll be ready for some hot, but economical, loving.

Stick with local swingers

You may have grown tired of your local swinging scene and looked farther afield to new exotic new places like Birmingham. But it’s costing you a fortune in diesel, so just keep doing it with Kevin and Trisha across the road, even if the sex is underwhelming and their flatulent old cocker spaniel keeps trying to mount you.

Keep warm with BDSM

No need to change your bondage habits massively – just use furry handcuffs for a bit of extra warmth and focus on spanking to increase blood supply and stop your buttocks getting chilly.

Have cold shower sex

Not really a perversion, but do know how much energy it takes to run a power shower for even a minute? Any bonking in the shower should be done with cold water. Yes, it’ll be difficult to remain aroused while being blasted with freezing water but if you manage it you’ll be a real stud.

Downscale the mile-high club

Pricier fuel will make airfares more expensive, so if you loved shagging in the confined shitter of a Ryanair flight, instead recreate the experience in a Portaloo on a local building site. If the builders seem broadminded, ask them to rock the cubicle to simulate turbulence.

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Parliament to vote on whether the carping scum electorate should get the f**k over it

MPs will get a vote on Thursday to decide whether Boris Johnson did a bad thing or the UK public are being whiny little snowflakes about a cake and should get over it.

After the prime minister apologised unconvincingly over ‘partygate’, MPs will decide whether he should be investigated for misleading parliament or be let off because he’s above the law and the rest of you scum should know your place.

Tory minister James Bates said: “We’re aware that the general public have made their minds up that Boris is a lying sack of shit, but it’s important that we get a vote on it so they know their version of reality is completely wrong.

“Of course, we have an 80-seat majority which means he won’t be investigated and we can get on with the very important work of crushing the economy, forcing people into poverty and generally being useless, awful bastards.

“Neither I nor any of my spineless colleagues will do anything to harm our careers. I’d support Boris if he claimed droit de seigneur over my wife, daughter and golden retriever if he wasn’t 100 per cent definitely guaranteed for the chop.

“So as a country, we’ll be able put it all behind us. Which is to say, we’ll pretend it never happened, and you proles can seethe quietly about it while you spend all your benefits on scratch cards, or whatever it is you enjoy doing.”