Saturday, 24th October 2020

Don't make us go drinking in the Midlands, say Northerners

NORTHERNERS have pleaded with the government not to force them to go out on the lash in the Midlands. 

With new restrictions on pubs set to be imposed across the North of England and Scotland, pub-goers fear they may have no option but to visit places like Loughborough in order to get drunk. 

Jim Bates of Manchester said: “Look, I’ll do a pub crawl in Stoke-on-Trent if I have to. But God knows I don’t want to. 

“Northern pubs are friendly and fun, everyone mixing, having a laugh and a self-deprecating quip from a stranger never far away. Actually that’s probably why they’re closing them. 

“But the grey-skinned fish-people of Lincoln drink in guarded silence afraid of anyone who isn’t a family member. The pubs of Chester contain worrying numbers of hidden Welshmen, and Derby’s too rough even for us. 

“Also those Midlands towns are identical, every high street a Home Bargains and a Cancer Research and a New Look. Stagger out hammered and you’ll never find your way home. 

“Come on. There’s a reason no-one in Britain ever talks about the Midlands. Don’t pretend you can enjoy yourself there.”