Download festival finally brings hell to earth

THE realm of Hades itself has finally been brought to our earthly plane at this weekend’s Download festival, attendees have agreed. 

The festival, held in a patch of toxic swampland between an airport and the M1, saw thousands of miserable souls thrashing around screaming for release while Slipknot played. 

Nikki Hollis said: “Hell is not hot. Hell is cold and hell is wet. 

“Hell is Def Leppard in the pissing rain. Hell is ankle-deep mud going over the top of your welly. Hell is waking up crushed under a fat biker who has fallen on your tent and is telling you to f*ck off by way of compensation. 

“I’m pretty sure the abyss first yawned open in the mosh pit for deathcore band Carcass – the smell of sulphur was strong, though it could have been the bogs – but quickly Satan’s dominon took hold. 

“Everywhere I looked, the weeping damned queuing for beer in filth. Everywhere fighting, everywhere the desperate and despairing and destroyed. Plus I think Whitesnake played at one point.” 

All attendees are currently attempting to flee but are stuck on the M1, Hell having followed with them. 

Corbyn secretly in love with Rory Stewart

JEREMY Corbyn has admitted to a huge ‘man-crush’ on Conservative leadership candidate Rory Stewart. 

The Labour leader had considered the Tory contest to be beneath him, but caught one glimpse of Stewart’s misfit charm and fell deeply in love. 

Corbyn said: “All my life I’ve been searching for him, but I never knew. 

“An intellectual posh boy well-versed in political theory. He’s just like Lenin. 

“Rory has travelled in Afghanistan and Nepal, smoked opium and written best-selling books. I’ve only ever looked up Palestine on Wikipedia.

“He’s got to be a communist at the very least. I would follow him slavishly in a single-party state anytime.” 

Corbyn added that he hardly ever thinks of previous crush Chuka Umunna these days, and does not care what he is up to.