THE realm of Hades itself has finally been brought to our earthly plane at this weekend’s Download festival, attendees have agreed.
The festival, held in a patch of toxic swampland between an airport and the M1, saw thousands of miserable souls thrashing around screaming for release while Slipknot played.
Nikki Hollis said: “Hell is not hot. Hell is cold and hell is wet.
“Hell is Def Leppard in the pissing rain. Hell is ankle-deep mud going over the top of your welly. Hell is waking up crushed under a fat biker who has fallen on your tent and is telling you to f*ck off by way of compensation.
“I’m pretty sure the abyss first yawned open in the mosh pit for deathcore band Carcass – the smell of sulphur was strong, though it could have been the bogs – but quickly Satan’s dominon took hold.
“Everywhere I looked, the weeping damned queuing for beer in filth. Everywhere fighting, everywhere the desperate and despairing and destroyed. Plus I think Whitesnake played at one point.”
All attendees are currently attempting to flee but are stuck on the M1, Hell having followed with them.