Cheeky bastards asking for help with renovations want friends to be their slaves

A COUPLE asking friends to ‘pitch in’ with their home improvements essentially want their friends to be unpaid slave labour.

Self-absorbed homeowners Emma and Tom Logan put a message on Facebook asking if any of their ‘amazing friends’ had ‘a free pair of hands to help us lovingly craft our home’.

Emma Logan said: “We went on to explain that we can pay in love and gratitude. But not money, obviously. That’s expensive.

“We’re hoping there’ll be a ‘DIY party’ atmosphere so the issue of unpaid labour won’t come up. Come on guys, there’s nothing more fun than sanding skirting boards for hours on end.

“We could even stretch to a hot meal – if one of them can install an oven.”

Friend Nathan Muir said: “Doing work without payment is pretty much the definition of slavery. If they got some whips and guard dogs at least it would be more honest.

“Unfortunately ‘love and gratitude’ is not a recognised currency I can use to pay my electricity bill. I’ll see if they accept it in Sainsbury’s, but I think probably not.”

Tom Logan said: “It’s so weird, everyone is suddenly avoiding us. You have to ask whether these are real friends.”

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Middle aged man vows to one day find out what a carb is

A 55-YEAR-OLD reading the newspaper over a full cooked breakfast has renewed his commitment to discovering what a carb is.

After reading that a high-carb diet can shorten life expectancy but not as much as a low-carb one, lorry driver Wayne Hayes has sworn to find out what a carb looks like and if he is presently eating any.

He said: “I should have done this back in the 00s, when everyone was on that Atkins, but I’ve always felt taking an interest in what you eat is just for bodybuilders and fat women.

“I know protein is eggs and meat, fat’s like… chips? I haven’t a fucking clue what milk is. And then there’s greens. I don’t see where carbs would fit in there to be honest. Do you have to ask for them specially?

“I could be living a no-carb lifestyle for all I know. The doctor never mentions it, he just says have less fry-ups. Maybe I could get carbs on prescription with my heart pills.”

When informed by a fellow driver that the meal he had just finished was, in fact, very high in carbs, Hayes replied: “That’s not a carb. It’s a sausage.”