Dream of owning Aga crushed by having to use the f*cking thing

A COUPLE who thought their middle-class dream was complete when they bought an Aga have instead ended up with burnt meals and a massive gas bill.

Martin Bishop and Francesca Johnson installed the Aga in their countryside cottage after the novelty of their summerhouse and keeping chickens wore off.

Bishop said: “We imagined it would be lovely to have a constant source of gentle heat radiating from the kitchen but it turns out that never being able to turn it off is a f**king nightmare.

“We’re boiling all through summer, it’s on while we’re asleep and you can’t even turn it off when you go away. We might as well just constantly burn ten-pound notes in an open fire instead.

“It’s so complicated it’s like being a steam engine enthusiast, and it’s impossible to cook anything properly. There are four ovens with apparently random temperatures so it’s a chicken’s either burnt to a black husk or a pale, salmonella-infested death-trap.

“Yes it makes the kitchen the heart of the home, but only because we can’t afford to heat anywhere else so we sit in here watching films on our laptops.

“We should have just had another kid. It would have been a cheaper and easier way to show off.”

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Couple breaking up promise they will remain vague acquaintances

A COUPLE splitting up have sworn to each other that they will always remain vague acquaintances. 

Tom Booker and Francesca Johnson’s relationship recently reached the end of the road after 14 months together, but both have promised they will continue to sort of know each other a bit.

Johnson said: “No matter what happens, we’ll always keep half-heartedly in touch and maybe go for a coffee if we bump into each other, which I hope we won’t.

“We’ve got so many memories together – that festival, the weekend in Galway, I’m sure others – that we can’t just throw away. The least we can do is Like each other’s Facebook posts once in a while.”

Booker agreed: “Some couples remain more-or-less acquainted for years after breaking up. They run into each other, ask how they’ve been, and then they get back to talking with their actual friends.

“It’ll be great to still know what Tom’s up to for the next three to four months, before we both meet new people and quietly unfollow each other.”