Five pathetic ways to try and impress people

DO you constantly try to impress people with your frankly unspectacular achievements? Here’s how to go about it.

Owning a house

Unless you live in London, owning a house is no big deal. And if you’re showing people around a fairly standard mock-Tudor commuter home as if it’s a palatial mansion, you perhaps need to have a word with yourself. Even more so if it’s a pristine new-build and they feel like they’re on a VR tour on Zoopla.

The latest tech

Always have the latest and most expensive phone, even if the crippling contract means you’re basically an indentured servant to Vodafone. Get a brand new Audi on a rip-off finance agreement too, if you really like being terrified about money every month.

You know businessmen

Do you know any quite wealthy – six figures, fancy holiday – people who run very boring businesses? Abase yourself by repeatedly mentioning how much you respect Steve for making a success of his guttering business, and how down to earth he is despite driving a 2015 Jaguar XF.

Bang on about your income

Hypocritically, showing off about money is fine if you’ve earned it in a casual way, eg for being Keith Richards. However, repeatedly mentioning how you earn a ‘cool £80k plus bonus’ as an estate agent is irritating and, depending on how bad the housing crisis gets, could result in an unwanted mob lynching.

Your children’s achievements

Parents should be aware that being the best footballer at school aged six does not guarantee growing up to be Ronaldo. Regularly being top of the class in spelling also does not mean they are a tiny Margaret Atwood, as your bitter kids will discover later in life.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man referring to himself as 'single parent' because wife had night out

A MAN whose wife went out from 7pm to 12.30am last weekend has spent more than a week referring to himself as a ‘single parent’. 

Julian Cook, aged 34, told colleagues that they have no idea how hard it is going straight from dinner to baths to bedtime without any help at all, and that he is still recovering.

He continued: “My wife went out early evening, but for at least an hour before that she was no help because she was getting ready. I was completely on my own.

“Christ what a struggle, getting them into their PJs, doing the stories, the whole lot. And under it all the chilling knowledge that I had no support network to fall back on if anything went wrong.

“By the time I got downstairs I was absolutely drained. I went on Facebook to post ‘Shout out to all the other lone parents out there’ then had a few cans. It’s all I was good for. And I tell you, I needed them.

“Didn’t even realise I hadn’t eaten until ten o’clock. Had to get the wife to pick up a takeaway on her way home. Only fair, given what I’d been through.”

Co-worker Mary Fisher said: “Julian says we’ve no idea what it’s like shouldering such a burden alone. Yesterday I caught him checking if he was eligible for Universal Credit.”