Subscribe

Eating a donut in Sainsbury's toilets so the kids don't see, and other pathetic dad wins

FATHERHOOD is the most important experience a man will have in his life, apart from 100 per centing GTAV, but it can be harrowing. These men scored small, humiliating victories: 

Joseph Turner, 43-year-old father of three

“I’d nipped into Sainsbury’s for bread while the family waited in the car, and impulsively treated myself to a Krispy Kreme donut. Realising they could see me through the glass and it would spark war, I headed purposefully to the toilet where I munched away, ignoring the waft of strangers’ urine and curious looks wondering if this was a gay thing.”

Oliver O’Connor, 39-year-old father of two

“Every Sunday morning, I stand on a freezing field hungover cheering my son on in his under-sevens football game, which I enrolled him in like a f**king dickhead. But for the last two months I’ve secretly had an earbud in to listen to a podcast about gangsters. And nobody has any idea I’ve made an awful ordeal very slightly more tolerable!”

Jack Browne, 32-year-old father of two

“Realising my peaceful sojourns in the bathroom were the best parts of my day, I embarked on an epic deception to convince my family I had IBS. Took ten months of clutching my stomach but now I get 15 uninterrupted minutes in the room where everyone defecates, no questions asked. Though my wife is now nagging me to cut out gluten.”

James Bates, 47-year-old father of two

“As a supportive partner I insist my wife has a monthly girls’ night where she gets together with her friends. The minute she’s gone I shove a pizza in, get the kids in bed at record pace and spend a full evening luxuriating on the sofa watching whatever shite action movie Netflix has to offer. Is she having an affair? I couldn’t care less.”

Will McKay, 32-year-old father of one

“I’m a member of a pub quiz team who never misses a week, or so my family thinks. In reality the quiz goes on without me while I sit and drink alone in the corner, sometimes sobbing a little at the sheer bliss of nobody screaming ‘where are the wipes?’ at me or watching Waffle the Wonder Dog. Last week I bought myself a trophy to allay suspicion.”

Wayne Hayes, 53-year-old father of four

“Last week I went to sort out the garage, made myself a bed of cardboard boxes and slept under a tarpaulin for four hours undisturbed. It was so wonderfully like being homeless I can’t stop thinking about how I’ll do it again this bank holiday, but now we’ve got to go out to a f**king National Trust. It will cost me a hundred pounds.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Your landlord, and other calls that are a real dilemma to pick up mid-wank

YOU don’t want to answer the phone during your sexual ‘me time’, but it could be important. Here’s what you need to consider, depending on who it is.

Your manager

Are you getting fired? Did they find out about what you said about them in that email chain? But is the thought of them sternly telling you off not slowing you down at all and you’ve just discovered a kink you didn’t know you had? These are all questions that are worth stopping to think about, but you’re not going to.

Your mum

All the Freudian issues this call raises are bad enough, but the main problem is that you know your mum will be on your case if you ignore her. Is answering mid-wank better or worse than not answering at all? Is there a special circle of Hell you’ll be damned to if you do both? Luckily the deeply unerotic thought of you mum droning on about your father’s bladder problems has called an end to proceedings as far as your penis is concerned.

Your landlord

When was the last time your landlord called with good news? When was the last time they called at all? They might be calling you to tell you the neighbours can see what you’re doing and you need to close the curtains, or you might be about to become homeless. Best not to answer – you just won’t be able to enjoy your depraved internet filth after that.

Your partner

Wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend – whichever they are, they’re still not the porn actor you’re trying to mentally picture yourself doing the nasty with right now. Whether you should answer depends on how healthy your relationship is. They might appreciate that you’re a sexual being and not be fazed by some harmless, perfectly natural masturbation. Or they might instantly dump you for being a horrible sleazy bastard, and from now on you’ll be spending a lot more time on Pornhub than you want to. It’s your call.

An unrecognised number but it has your area code

Okay, a number you don’t know, that’s obviously spam, you can ignore that and get on with your grubby onanism. But a call from a landline? A landline in your town or city? That adds a layer of mystery to the situation. It’s a test of character – are you intellectually curious enough to answer, or are you a sinful beast devoid of any thoughts except self-gratification? Yep, that one’s not getting answered.

Next story ›