FATHERHOOD is the most important experience a man will have in his life, apart from 100 per centing GTAV, but it can be harrowing. These men scored small, humiliating victories:
Joseph Turner, 43-year-old father of three
“I’d nipped into Sainsbury’s for bread while the family waited in the car, and impulsively treated myself to a Krispy Kreme donut. Realising they could see me through the glass and it would spark war, I headed purposefully to the toilet where I munched away, ignoring the waft of strangers’ urine and curious looks wondering if this was a gay thing.”
Oliver O’Connor, 39-year-old father of two
“Every Sunday morning, I stand on a freezing field hungover cheering my son on in his under-sevens football game, which I enrolled him in like a f**king dickhead. But for the last two months I’ve secretly had an earbud in to listen to a podcast about gangsters. And nobody has any idea I’ve made an awful ordeal very slightly more tolerable!”
Jack Browne, 32-year-old father of two
“Realising my peaceful sojourns in the bathroom were the best parts of my day, I embarked on an epic deception to convince my family I had IBS. Took ten months of clutching my stomach but now I get 15 uninterrupted minutes in the room where everyone defecates, no questions asked. Though my wife is now nagging me to cut out gluten.”
James Bates, 47-year-old father of two
“As a supportive partner I insist my wife has a monthly girls’ night where she gets together with her friends. The minute she’s gone I shove a pizza in, get the kids in bed at record pace and spend a full evening luxuriating on the sofa watching whatever shite action movie Netflix has to offer. Is she having an affair? I couldn’t care less.”
Will McKay, 32-year-old father of one
“I’m a member of a pub quiz team who never misses a week, or so my family thinks. In reality the quiz goes on without me while I sit and drink alone in the corner, sometimes sobbing a little at the sheer bliss of nobody screaming ‘where are the wipes?’ at me or watching Waffle the Wonder Dog. Last week I bought myself a trophy to allay suspicion.”
Wayne Hayes, 53-year-old father of four
“Last week I went to sort out the garage, made myself a bed of cardboard boxes and slept under a tarpaulin for four hours undisturbed. It was so wonderfully like being homeless I can’t stop thinking about how I’ll do it again this bank holiday, but now we’ve got to go out to a f**king National Trust. It will cost me a hundred pounds.”
