Family alarmed after Dad cries at something other than sport

A FAMILY are worried about the man of the house after he shed tears at a non-sporting event for the first time in their whole lives. 

63-year-old Martin Bishop was observed to have tears in his eyes during an RSPCA Christmas appeal, causing his wife and children to hold an anxious conference in the kitchen.

Daughter Sophie Bishop said: “I’ve only seen Dad cry six times, and four of those were repeats of Jonny Wilkinson’s drop goal that won the 2003 Rugby World Cup final.

“The other two were Wayne Rooney breaking his metatarsal in 2004 and the lads getting beaten by Iceland in 2016, so this is an alarming development.

“Mum also claims his eyes got misty at the opening ceremony of the London Olympics, which is concerning because it doesn’t strictly count as sport and if he’d seen it in a theatre he’d have called it ‘arty-farty rubbish’.

“Is he depressed? Is it a sign of early onset dementia? Is he having an affair with the lady over the road and the emotional strain is getting too much? We’re all beside ourselves with worry.”

Martin Bishop said: “One of the dogs in the advert looked just like Andy Murray when he won Wimbledon in 2013.”

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Oven-ready Brexit deal to be final challenge on Bake Off

A TRIO of amateur bakers will shoulder the hopes of a nation by creating oven-ready Brexit deals for the final challenge of The Great British Bake Off. 

After tackling battenbergs, babka and steamed buns, the finalist will have just three hours to create a showstopper challenge which impresses the EU, the ERG, Red Wall voters, the incoming Biden administration, Pru Leith and Paul Hollywood.

Presenter Matt Lucas said: “In a break from tradition, the showstopper won’t be cooked by the contestant. Instead, when the bell goes, they’ll have to create something that’s so easy to bake that even the most inept blithering idiot of a chef couldn’t bugger it up.

“It needs to secure borders, allow frictionless trade, and comply with the Good Friday agreement while looking irresistible no matter what your political beliefs. It’s gonna be tough.”

Contestant Mary Fisher said: “I thought I was prepared for anything, but making fishing quotas and state aid rules into an appetising treat for 66 million people is stretching it.

“I was hoping the final challenge would be something to do with filo pastry and an egg-wash glaze. I might just make that anyway.”

Pru Leith said: “The winning deal will be handed over to none other than prime minister Boris Johnson, who will take full credit for it. Then you’ll be asked to bake the COVID-19 vaccine into a choux bun.”