Vaxxine or Rona? What to name your lockdown baby

SEVEN months ago you were bored and horny and there were no condoms in the house and the shops were all closed. So what are you planning to call your lockdown lovechild? 


Or Rona for short. It’s a lovely name, evocative of a time of abject terror, but let’s face it there will be hundreds of them. Make your baby stand out with imaginative misspellings – Karona for a girl, Kierona for a boy. It’s what the Kardashians would do.


Named after the social bubble that got you into this parenthood mess, children named Bubble are predicted to grow up to be extreme introverts who have a maximum of five friends, avoid crowds and enjoy disinfecting their houses three times a day.


Pay tribute to the scheme that allowed you to be at home making sweet daytime love while still earning 80 per cent of your salary. The kid will grow up lazy, entitled and self-righteous, just like every younger generation always has and always will.


Unlike Bubble, young Covie will grow up to be a real extrovert. Wherever there’s a big party, he’ll be there, mingling with all the guests, making sure he gets to know all of them. And even when he’s not invited, he’ll find a way to get in.


Honour the memory of the hero who freed us from abiding by lockdown regulations by naming your child after Dominic Cummings. It’ll be an appropriate name for a baby who’ll do what it wants when it wants, has no concept of rules or decent behaviour, is full of shit and throws a tantrum when it doesn’t get its way.


Little Vaxxine, or Vax for short, will be the most popular girl in the school. Everyone will want to be friends with her, except those who think she’s part of a secret government plot to control their lives.

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Nine things to pretend you're looking forward to

CHRISTMAS will be cancelled, booking a holiday is idiocy and the calendar is blank. Convince people you’ve not given up all hope by pretending to look forward to these:

New Year’s Eve, because you might not be able to go out but at least 2020 will be over and done with.

Trump Day, when the former president is forced to leave the White House by secret service agents and left on the street outside with all his stuff.

Lockdown III, beginning in mid-February, when it’s so dark and cold and wet outside that it’s actually doing Britain a real favour.

Pancake Day, because it’s unaffected by any of this crap and you get to eat pancakes.

The Friends reunion special, which is just the cast talking about old episodes like the boring old nostalgic bastards they and you have become.

The anniversary of the first lockdown, celebrated by standing on the doorstep and gazing morosely into the middle distance alongside your neighbours.

Phase Four of the Marvel Cinematic Universe begins, if you still want to watch that crap after a genuine global threat where Tony Stark did nothing.

The first vaccines are administered, and you excitedly log on to find that just 37,832,885 more and it’ll be your turn.

Love Island 2021: When The Plague Takes Us All, These People Will Repopulate Earth.