Friday, 4th December 2020

Vaxxine or Rona? What to name your lockdown baby

SEVEN months ago you were bored and horny and there were no condoms in the house and the shops were all closed. So what are you planning to call your lockdown lovechild? 


Or Rona for short. It’s a lovely name, evocative of a time of abject terror, but let’s face it there will be hundreds of them. Make your baby stand out with imaginative misspellings – Karona for a girl, Kierona for a boy. It’s what the Kardashians would do.


Named after the social bubble that got you into this parenthood mess, children named Bubble are predicted to grow up to be extreme introverts who have a maximum of five friends, avoid crowds and enjoy disinfecting their houses three times a day.


Pay tribute to the scheme that allowed you to be at home making sweet daytime love while still earning 80 per cent of your salary. The kid will grow up lazy, entitled and self-righteous, just like every younger generation always has and always will.


Unlike Bubble, young Covie will grow up to be a real extrovert. Wherever there’s a big party, he’ll be there, mingling with all the guests, making sure he gets to know all of them. And even when he’s not invited, he’ll find a way to get in.


Honour the memory of the hero who freed us from abiding by lockdown regulations by naming your child after Dominic Cummings. It’ll be an appropriate name for a baby who’ll do what it wants when it wants, has no concept of rules or decent behaviour, is full of shit and throws a tantrum when it doesn’t get its way.


Little Vaxxine, or Vax for short, will be the most popular girl in the school. Everyone will want to be friends with her, except those who think she’s part of a secret government plot to control their lives.