Saturday, 5th December 2020

Six everyday unexplained complete f**king mysteries

IS everyday life full of baffling questions you’re losing sleep over? Here are some mysteries that confuse the nation every single day.  

Why does the conditioner always run out before the shampoo?

You use the same amount every time you wash your hair so why does the conditioner disappear first? This mystery might be solved by checking to see if your partner’s pubes look particularly glossy, otherwise: who knows?

If you drink an entire carton of fruit juice why doesn’t it count as your five a day?

A litre of orange juice must have the same amount of nutrients as several small portions of fruit, surely? Think of all that vitamin C. Also, why don’t potatoes count as a vegetable? Who is making these rules?

Why is Spider-Man not called Spider-Boy?

He’s still at school, for goodness sake. Batgirl is referred to as a ‘girl’, although when she first appeared in the 1960s she probably would have been called a girl even if she was 36.

Why do people say ‘lol’ instead of actually laughing out loud?

It’s bad enough when written down, but now people abbreviate an actual physical response by saying ‘lol’ as if it’s a word. Have they forgotten how to actually laugh due to prolonged use of text acronyms? It’s weird, stop it.

Where do all the Tupperware lids go?

Why doesn’t the whole thing go missing? Is somebody breaking into houses and stealing just Tupperware lids? Is it the same person who hides the f**king scissors?

Do we eat soup or drink it?

It’s a liquid so surely it’s a drink? If we put Ribena in a bowl and consumed it with a spoon would we be eating that? The very thought is laughable, and makes absolutely no sense.