Six everyday unexplained complete f**king mysteries

IS everyday life full of baffling questions you’re losing sleep over? Here are some mysteries that confuse the nation every single day.  

Why does the conditioner always run out before the shampoo?

You use the same amount every time you wash your hair so why does the conditioner disappear first? This mystery might be solved by checking to see if your partner’s pubes look particularly glossy, otherwise: who knows?

If you drink an entire carton of fruit juice why doesn’t it count as your five a day?

A litre of orange juice must have the same amount of nutrients as several small portions of fruit, surely? Think of all that vitamin C. Also, why don’t potatoes count as a vegetable? Who is making these rules?

Why is Spider-Man not called Spider-Boy?

He’s still at school, for goodness sake. Batgirl is referred to as a ‘girl’, although when she first appeared in the 1960s she probably would have been called a girl even if she was 36.

Why do people say ‘lol’ instead of actually laughing out loud?

It’s bad enough when written down, but now people abbreviate an actual physical response by saying ‘lol’ as if it’s a word. Have they forgotten how to actually laugh due to prolonged use of text acronyms? It’s weird, stop it.

Where do all the Tupperware lids go?

Why doesn’t the whole thing go missing? Is somebody breaking into houses and stealing just Tupperware lids? Is it the same person who hides the f**king scissors?

Do we eat soup or drink it?

It’s a liquid so surely it’s a drink? If we put Ribena in a bowl and consumed it with a spoon would we be eating that? The very thought is laughable, and makes absolutely no sense.

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Five potential career moves for Melania Trump

WITH her husband due to leave the White House, Melania Trump is reported to be considering a range of career moves, drawing on her many skillsets. Here are some options.

Mink coat tailor

Come January, Melania plans to board the first plane to Denmark to kickstart her new mink fur collection, complete with provocative slogans such as ‘I don’t care about coronavirus… do you?’. Her Autumn/Winter range will also be embellished with bat epaulettes.

Madame Tussauds Melania Trump waxwork

One of Melania’s top skills is expressionlessly having her photo taken next to old white men, making her the perfect candidate to take over as her own waxwork in Madame Tussauds. The First Lady would slot in next to Michelle Obama’s waxwork, and it is expected that Melania will copy her exact pose.

Christmas interior decorator

Despite being recorded saying ‘Who gives a f**k about the Christmas stuff and decorations?’, Melania expects her new winter interiors business to really take off. Expect lifeless-looking trees and dull arrangements of joyless twigs: designs that really evoke their creator’s personality.

Brexit negotiator

The job of persuading Donald that he definitely has lost the election is going to be a tough one, but somebody has to do it. Melania could use the skills honed by negotiating her petulant husband out of the White House to persuade an equally recalcitrant UK to reach a deal.

Divorce lawyer

It’s hard to imagine what would keep her with Donald now that the lustre has worn off him and he’s turned into the type of crazed conspiracy theorist he was so good at encouraging. The First Lady plans to save some pennies by doing all the paperwork herself.