subscribe
/ Sign Out

Family enjoys last day out before apocalypse

A FAMILY has driven to the seaside for one final day out together before the upcoming apocalypse.

The Bookers decided that, as they will no longer be able to afford petrol, a car or time away from working six jobs by next summer, they might as well enjoy a day at the beach now.

Tom Booker said: “We shouldn’t be living this extravagantly, really. The money would have been better saved to pay an eighth of our February energy bill.

“But we thought, well, one last time, and drove to Llandudno where the streets aren’t yet filled with the homeless and the sea’s not completely filled with sewage. Currently.

“The kids threw a frisbee about then the wife and I had a pint in a lovely little pub. It’s a real shame they’re closing next month because their running costs have gone up 300 per cent.

“Then we had a wander on the Great Orme, where you can see the wild goats that will soon be hunted for meat, and fish-and-chips from a place that’s got no chance of surviving to spring, not with that electricity-guzzling fryer.

“Soon we’ll drive home to where we’ll all spend a freezing winter sewing sequins on dresses for 85p an hour because we’ve lost our jobs and the schools are shut down and the blackouts and rationing have started. Still, it was a nice day out.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Six cost-of-living crisis chat-up lines

OUT on the pull, and keen to turn ten per cent inflation into sex? These tailored chat-up lines will wow the ladies:

‘Get six coats, you’ve pulled’

Accompanied by a winning smile and a book of raffle tickets, this gentleman’s offering you the chance to loot the cloakroom and take home enough coats to keep warm while working from home without the heating on. He really knows how to make a girl feel like a princess.

‘You’re going to have to move in with someone so it might as well be me’

Being single is no longer financially viable, and romance will surely blossom when you picture a future of shared bills, shared meals and two salaries to pay for rocketing rents. No woman can resist copping off to banish the spectre of incipient homelessness.

‘How do you like your eggs in the morning?’

Eggs! He has actual eggs! You’re getting a free, nutritious breakfast of the kind everyone could afford at the beginning of this year! Negotiate a couple of rashers of bacon, fried bread and a tin of beans and that’s more than you’d get from the food bank for a week.

‘I make love with the duvet on’

The prospect of slow, gentle lovemaking under a body-heat-conserving duvet, and the chance of a whole night’s sleep without waking up shivering, is enough to melt any girls’ heart. Even better if your paramour frequently breaks wind. Better than a fan heater.

‘Did it hurt when you got evicted?’

He can see past your charity-shop Primark clothes to the real you, the one who used to have her own flat and a job, not a shared room in a multiple-occupancy house and a zero-hours minimum wage position. When you huddle together for warmth in a freezing library, it’ll be with someone who believes in you.

‘Hey baby, I live with my parents’

Wait, so if he’s 40, that means his parents are honest-to-God boomers. They’ll have a house and a well-stocked larder and they’ll have the heating on. They probably even do his laundry and spring for the full 30-degree wash. This guy is a keeper.

Next story ›