Father of small children mysteriously takes 45 minutes in bathroom at weekends

A FATHER-OF-TWO able to complete a trip to the bathroom in under five minutes during the week inexplicably needs three-quarters of an hour at weekends.

Stephen Malley of Uttoxeter has offered no explanation as to the discrepancy, despite repeated questioning from his eight-year-old and four-year-old as to ‘where Daddy has gone’.

Wife Deborah said: “He’s in and out during the week. But on a Saturday, usually around 11.15am when they’re building to a frenzy, he suddenly vanishes. With a cup of tea and his iPad.

“And then he’s in there, deaf to all our cries, for a good three-quarters of an hour, emerging smartly with his business concluded just in time for Football Focus.”

She added: “It’s a flagrant leisure poo and he knows it. The fucker.”