Father of small children mysteriously takes 45 minutes in bathroom at weekends

A FATHER-OF-TWO able to complete a trip to the bathroom in under five minutes during the week inexplicably needs three-quarters of an hour at weekends.

Stephen Malley of Uttoxeter has offered no explanation as to the discrepancy, despite repeated questioning from his eight-year-old and four-year-old as to ‘where Daddy has gone’.

Wife Deborah said: “He’s in and out during the week. But on a Saturday, usually around 11.15am when they’re building to a frenzy, he suddenly vanishes. With a cup of tea and his iPad.

“And then he’s in there, deaf to all our cries, for a good three-quarters of an hour, emerging smartly with his business concluded just in time for Football Focus.”

She added: “It’s a flagrant leisure poo and he knows it. The fucker.”

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No manager fit to manage any Premier League side

NO FOOTBALL manager in the world is capable of managing any club in England’s top-flight to the standard required, fans have confirmed. 

The millions that England’s top 20 teams earn from TV deals means they are all potential worldbeaters only let down by the men in the dugouts who are repeatedly proving unfit to lead them.

Football writer Tom Logan said: “Year in, year out, we’re seeing the same thing. Despite all the investment every team bar one is falling short, and it’s the managers to blame.

“Just look at the so-called elite. Klopp? Should be managing a Krautrock band. Mourinho? A specialist in the nil-nil away draw. Pochettino? Guardiola? Their win-loss ratios aren’t much better than men in flat caps in the 1950s.

“Across Europe it’s no better. Zidane? A gormless monkhead. Ancelotti? Open a pizzeria, already. There’s not a manager on the planet up to the job.

“We need to plough government funding into artificial intelligence. Quantum managers capable of trillions of tactical calculations in a nanosecond. It’s what Stoke and West Brom deserve.”