IT’S difficult knowing where to put your savings when interest rates can earn you up to 20p every few months. Here are five places to keep your cash for a larger return.
Invest wisely down the local bingo hall while having hours of adrenaline-filled fun. Now is the ideal time to play this game of chance as your elderly rivals may be feeling woozy from their Covid vaccinations.
Toss your cash into a fast-flowing stream
There’s an element of risk involved, but hurling your savings into a river is better than giving them to a high street bank. As you retrieve your soggy notes, you might find some dropped change on the riverbank, or an eccentric millionaire in a yacht who wants you to become the son they never had. More cautious investors should throw all their money into a wishing well.
Trawling car boot sales for antiques and then selling them at auction for £2 profit is the best way to save for a mortgage. After selling a few pewter tankards, you’re sure to have enough for a deposit on a two-bed in Stoke. Even if you make a loss, it’s still better than withdrawing early from a Help to Buy ISA.
A stake in an illegal gambling game in an isolated barn in Thailand offers a far higher rate of ‘interest’ than a monthly saver account. And you can ‘withdraw’ your cash with no financial penalties as soon as you haven’t blown your brains out.
Buy a pint next to Matt Hancock
One of the biggest returns you will see on an investment is by simply buying a drink for a f**kwit government minister. It hardly matters what your company does, or indeed if you have a company – if you know how to use Internet Explorer, Matt is sure to give you a high-tech contract in return for a Bacardi Breezer.