Five better places to put your money than a shitty 0.05% savings account

IT’S difficult knowing where to put your savings when interest rates can earn you up to 20p every few months. Here are five places to keep your cash for a larger return.


Invest wisely down the local bingo hall while having hours of adrenaline-filled fun. Now is the ideal time to play this game of chance as your elderly rivals may be feeling woozy from their Covid vaccinations. 

Toss your cash into a fast-flowing stream

There’s an element of risk involved, but hurling your savings into a river is better than giving them to a high street bank. As you retrieve your soggy notes, you might find some dropped change on the riverbank, or an eccentric millionaire in a yacht who wants you to become the son they never had. More cautious investors should throw all their money into a wishing well.

Bargain Hunt

Trawling car boot sales for antiques and then selling them at auction for £2 profit is the best way to save for a mortgage. After selling a few pewter tankards, you’re sure to have enough for a deposit on a two-bed in Stoke. Even if you make a loss, it’s still better than withdrawing early from a Help to Buy ISA.

Russian roulette

A stake in an illegal gambling game in an isolated barn in Thailand offers a far higher rate of ‘interest’ than a monthly saver account. And you can ‘withdraw’ your cash with no financial penalties as soon as you haven’t blown your brains out.

Buy a pint next to Matt Hancock

One of the biggest returns you will see on an investment is by simply buying a drink for a f**kwit government minister. It hardly matters what your company does, or indeed if you have a company – if you know how to use Internet Explorer, Matt is sure to give you a high-tech contract in return for a Bacardi Breezer.

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Same-sex Catholic wedding marred by fireball from God

THE Vatican’s decision not to bless same-sex unions has led to a gay couple’s wedding in Bournemouth being completely ruined by fire and brimstone. 

Josh Hudson and Ryan Whittaker had planned a low-key wedding in the picturesque seaside town, but the event was disrupted when fireballs obliterated their rose and delphinium centrepiece.

Whittaker said: “Our first thought was that the Lord had a problem with ostentatious floral displays, but after Pope Francis’s announcement we realised that it must be all the bum stuff.

“Now I think about it we went to a lesbian wedding in 2018 and the buffet was devoured by a plague of locusts. But nobody minded too much because it was just flavoured hummus and carrot sticks.”

Hudson and Whittaker had intended to honeymoon in Hawaii, but sudden large-scale flooding has swept their hotel into the Pacific Ocean. They have since rebooked in a B&B in Huddersfield.

Wedding photographer Roy Hobbs said: “It’s bad, but I was at a straight wedding last week where the couple had their first dance to Bon Jovi, so things could always be worse.”

God said: “Personally I wish Josh and Ryan all the best. But them’s the rules.”