Thursday, 13th May 2021

Five better places to put your money than a shitty 0.05% savings account

IT’S difficult knowing where to put your savings when interest rates can earn you up to 20p every few months. Here are five places to keep your cash for a larger return.

Bingo

Invest wisely down the local bingo hall while having hours of adrenaline-filled fun. Now is the ideal time to play this game of chance as your elderly rivals may be feeling woozy from their Covid vaccinations. 

Toss your cash into a fast-flowing stream

There’s an element of risk involved, but hurling your savings into a river is better than giving them to a high street bank. As you retrieve your soggy notes, you might find some dropped change on the riverbank, or an eccentric millionaire in a yacht who wants you to become the son they never had. More cautious investors should throw all their money into a wishing well.

Bargain Hunt

Trawling car boot sales for antiques and then selling them at auction for £2 profit is the best way to save for a mortgage. After selling a few pewter tankards, you’re sure to have enough for a deposit on a two-bed in Stoke. Even if you make a loss, it’s still better than withdrawing early from a Help to Buy ISA.

Russian roulette

A stake in an illegal gambling game in an isolated barn in Thailand offers a far higher rate of ‘interest’ than a monthly saver account. And you can ‘withdraw’ your cash with no financial penalties as soon as you haven’t blown your brains out.

Buy a pint next to Matt Hancock

One of the biggest returns you will see on an investment is by simply buying a drink for a f**kwit government minister. It hardly matters what your company does, or indeed if you have a company – if you know how to use Internet Explorer, Matt is sure to give you a high-tech contract in return for a Bacardi Breezer.