Five brilliant parody songs you've sung to and about your cat

SOMETIMES your profound feelings towards your cat can only be captured in musical form, which is why you’ve updated these classics with new, feline lyrics: 

I Heard It Through The Catflap

Marvin Gaye’s tune about an unfaithful partner fits perfectly with your strained relationship with your cat, who you have long suspected is playing you for a fool and being fed multiple dinners by the neighbours on both sides. Though you didn’t actually hear anything, it’s just that the cat is fat as f**k.

I Gotta Dreamie

The Black-Eyed Peas’ hit I Gotta Feeling vastly improved by turning it into a tribute to Fluffy’s all-time favourite snack. Sure, they’re overpriced and smell vile, but when they’re around you know she’s thinking ‘tonight’s gonna be a good night’. It just doesn’t show on her face.

We Found Food

Much of your parody oeuvre is food-related, reflecting the transactional nature of your relationship. But nobody can deny your dramatisation of the time you found an extra pouch of Felix under the sink to the tune of Rihanna’s We Found Love is a stunning piece of art and more than Rihanna’s done in the last seven years.

I Want To Hold Your Paw

This jolly rewrite doesn’t reflect an actual event, because you’re not prepared for the lacerations. However, the Beatles’ early songs about longing and courting reflect your desperation to feel your deep love for your feline companion reflected back in any capacity.

Cat! I Feel Like A Kitten!

Sometimes the impulse to serenade your cat is more powerful than your wordsmithery, and that’s what happened with this Shania Twain tribute. The verses descend into the word ‘Meow’ repeated over and over again, but your cat doesn’t mind. She’s glaring at you in fathomless contempt regardless.

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Six TV shows that would be 20 minutes long if you cut all the bullshit

IF not for all the pissing about, these shows could be quick, clean and dispatched in the space of one drink:

Strictly Come Dancing, BBC1

Ten dances, no judges, no presenters, no interviews. All the fat boiled off to nothing more than uncut dancing where half of each couple is theoretically famous. Squared away in 20 minutes with the losers announced in voiceover during the credits. That’s what the public wants.

Antiques Roadshow, BBC1

‘It’s a clock. About 300 years old. Doesn’t work. Has some gold on. Worth £3,500.’ ‘Are you surprised?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Are you going to sell it?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Okay, thanks. Take it and move on. Next!’

Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares USA, ITV1

Cut all repeated footage. Cut all the bits where people in the repeated footage give their reactions to the repeated footage. Cut all sections that are obviously staged, rehearsed or where Ramsey spouts cruel insults written beforehand. Keep the ad breaks in or no way will it make 20 minutes.

The news, all channels

Four bulletins a day, half an hour each? Wasting everyone’s time. A single 20-minute news round-up on a Sunday evening could give you all the key events and save everyone hours of worry. If something actually important happened they could break into proper telly to inform you, as they do anyway.

Loose Women, ITV1

Go straight to the end of the drinking-at-lunchtime hen party. Open on the women in question staggering around, hammered, slurring ‘whose wine is this? F**k it, it’s mine now’ while complaining furiously and incoherently about the men in their lives. Carole Malone shouts ‘send them all back’ while falling off a stool.

The Great British Bake Off, Channel 4

Show us the cakes. Tell us if the cakes are good. Tell us who baked the best cake. There’s no need for process, peril or personalities. Whether a person is nice has no relation to whether they can bake a good cake. Award the prize to a cake.