Five completely awful places you'd be right now if you weren't stuck at home

AS lockdown continues, you wish you were anywhere but home. What dreadful places might you be this weekend if you were unlucky enough to regain your freedom?

Taking your car for its MOT

Count your lucky stars you’re not currently waiting awkwardly in a tiny, grease-streaked mechanics office trying not to stare at Miss July from their 1997 topless calendar. All while you drink a weak cup of tea out of a novelty mug that reads ‘World’s Biggest Twat’ and worry about whether you’re about to be overcharged for a carburetor you don’t need.

On a stag do where you only know the groom

Fancy a holiday? Be careful what you wish for. Because that holiday could’ve been a stag do where you only know the groom. You’d be at East Midlands airport as we speak, with 17 hardnut Leicester City fans en route for three brutal nights in Prague, which starts with you being peer pressured into drinking 17 pints of Kozel.

Not even halfway round IKEA

Right now, you could be less that 50% through a family trip to IKEA, with hours to go before you get to enjoy three hot dogs and a bag of miniature Daim Bars. Instead of putting your feet up in idyllic self-isolation, you’d be somewhere near the lighting department desperately trying to remember a time before you entered this place.

Singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to a co-worker everyone hates

Not only could you be at work on the weekend, but you might be having to sing a stilted and insincere rendition of Happy Birthday whilst gathered round Lucian from Accounts’ computer. Luckily the days when we invited someone to blow on a cake before all eating a slice are over now, so hopefully you’ll never have to do this again.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Couple break up over opposing views on Best Before dates

A COUPLE have finally decided to call it a day after being unable to agree on whether eating out-of-date food is acceptable or utterly vile.

Donna Sheridan filed for divorce after husband Tom threw away an entire family pack of ham that had only been open for five days.

Sheridan said: “That ham was fine.  Yes, it might say ‘Eat within two days once opened’ but no one is eating that much ham. Everyone knows they just put that on the label to make us buy more.

“He throws away loads of perfectly good food just because it smells a bit like rotten eggs or has mould on it, the pussy. As far as I’m concerned, if it’s not started crawling out of the fridge, it’s edible.”

Tom said: “I used to think it was cute how she’d scrape the layer of mould off the top of the jam instead of chucking it out. Now I realise it’s f**king disgusting and borderline lethal.

“I take my life in my hands every time it’s her turn to cook, so I’m forgoing death by salmonella in favour of being single.”