AS lockdown continues, you wish you were anywhere but home. What dreadful places might you be this weekend if you were unlucky enough to regain your freedom?
Taking your car for its MOT
Count your lucky stars you’re not currently waiting awkwardly in a tiny, grease-streaked mechanics office trying not to stare at Miss July from their 1997 topless calendar. All while you drink a weak cup of tea out of a novelty mug that reads ‘World’s Biggest Twat’ and worry about whether you’re about to be overcharged for a carburetor you don’t need.
On a stag do where you only know the groom
Fancy a holiday? Be careful what you wish for. Because that holiday could’ve been a stag do where you only know the groom. You’d be at East Midlands airport as we speak, with 17 hardnut Leicester City fans en route for three brutal nights in Prague, which starts with you being peer pressured into drinking 17 pints of Kozel.
Not even halfway round IKEA
Right now, you could be less that 50% through a family trip to IKEA, with hours to go before you get to enjoy three hot dogs and a bag of miniature Daim Bars. Instead of putting your feet up in idyllic self-isolation, you’d be somewhere near the lighting department desperately trying to remember a time before you entered this place.
Singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to a co-worker everyone hates
Not only could you be at work on the weekend, but you might be having to sing a stilted and insincere rendition of Happy Birthday whilst gathered round Lucian from Accounts’ computer. Luckily the days when we invited someone to blow on a cake before all eating a slice are over now, so hopefully you’ll never have to do this again.