Five embarrassing ways to stay young at heart

GETTING older but not happy about it? Here’s how to maintain the facade of youthfulness even if it means being a bit of a twat.

Become obsessed with exercise

Becoming obsessed with exercise is a great way to seem young – and bore people senseless with your exercise regime. Extremely long runs are good, yoga is pretty tedious to talk about and cycling gives you the opportunity to wear disturbingly tight lycra.

Dress young

Be visibly in denial about the relentless march of time by dressing like a teenager, regardless of your age. Eschew M&S knitwear for fast fashion, embracing bright crop tops and flared jeans like you did when they were stylish the first time around. If your children are revolted and suddenly want to throw out their whole wardrobe, you’re doing it right.

Use the latest social media

Children love it when their parents start following them on social media sites. It’s a great way to demonstrate an interest in their lives while also staying up-to-date about the latest celebrity scandals and memes. Make sure you comment on all of their Instagram posts, peppering your praise with ‘hip’ emojis like an aubergine or peach. 

Join in on young people’s conversations

If you overhear two shop assistants chatting about the latest Kid Cudi track, try and jump in with an opinion, whether you have one or not. Ask them questions about ‘young people things’. To really look odd, ask if they’d like to go for a drink with you sometime, or what the coolest local ‘discos’ are. 

Totally regress to your teenage years

Get drunk a lot, develop an interest in drugs even if you were never into that sort of thing 30 years ago, and try to sleep around. And for the true teenage experience, obsess about new bands that aren’t very good.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'With regards to yourself' and other annoying ways people speak

LEARN to speak proper and not get on other people’s nerves by avoiding these five common mistakes:

Footballer tense

Known as the perfect tense by purists, it’s widely used by footballers and pundits, eg. ‘He’s got round the back and he’s crossed the ball’. Also popular with the police, as in ‘He’s gone into the shop without a face mask and I’ve gone in and I’ve spoke to him’. Makes you sound strangely like a robot.


Making every statement of fact sound like a question sounds as if you’re constantly seeking validation. Either that or you were brought up on a 1990s diet of Friends, Home and Away, and Sex and the City.


It’s irritating when, in an attempt to sound knowledgeable, people use long words without having a clue what they actually mean. They probably think Portmanteau is a lovely little resort near Biarritz where one can sit by the harbour with a bottle of Chateaubriand.

Salesperson speak

If someone has called to mis-sell you PPI and you haven’t put the phone down on them, you’ll have heard them using unnecessarily long phrases like ‘with regards to yourself’. They believe this makes them sound well-spoken, but ‘like a dickhead’ is more accurate.


Do you ramble on in a foppish way, unable to say what’s really on your mind? It’s either the result of being sent to public school, watching too many Richard Curtis films starring Hugh Grant or possibly being Boris Johnson and thinking this affectation impresses people. Which, sadly, it appears it does.