Five kid-friendly holiday ideas parents will hate

GOING on holiday? Need to book somewhere your kids will enjoy but you will find a waking nightmare? Try these destinations.

Family hotel

These hotels claim thousands of victims every year thanks to their reasonable prices and convenient locations. Don’t let them trick you though. You might get five minutes away from your children to have a coffee and a sanity-saving adult conversation, but you’ll still be able to hear their godawful kids’ disco from the other side of the hotel.

Camping

In your imagination this will be an idyllic holiday your kids will cherish forever. In reality you’ll struggle to cook dinner over a portable stove, find yourself queuing for half an hour to do the washing-up, and have to escort your kids for a 1am piss every morning. Next time pitch a tent in your garden and send the kids out there alone.

Theme park

A trip to Alton Towers sounds like an ideal way to give your kids the time of their life while enjoying a few thrills yourself. Except you’ll spend most of the holiday waiting in queues and shouting ‘How much?’ when you see the price of snacks. You’ll also realise all the decent rides scare you now and have an existential crisis about your age.

Rent a cottage

Need to get away from the house your children have ruined? Stump up a few hundred quid to rent out a rich person’s cottage and let your children ruin that instead. As a parent you’ll also be paying for the privilege of doing the same domestic chores as usual, except without knowing how the appliances work. What could be more fun? Anything.

Group trip

Want a break devoid of a single second of downtime? Holiday with friends and their irritating offspring. Even during the rare moments when your children are actually behaving, somebody else’s little shit will be kicking off. On the upside, life will feel like a piece of piss when you get home and only have your own spoiled brats to worry about again.

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Five musical acts you wouldn't see if they paid you 3,000 quid

BRUCE Springsteen has been criticised for tickets being on sale for $4,000. But at least people want to see him. Here are some artists you wouldn’t watch even if the transaction worked the other way round.

Ed F**king Sheeran 

Pop goblin Ed continues to coin it in with his winning formula of bland mum-music. For non-fans, Ed would have to pay you to attend and you could labour through it imagining it was some handy, well-paid overtime. He’d probably be playing Wembley Stadium, so three thousand wouldn’t cut it. He’d have to offer you another ten grand to cover parking and a hot dog.

Madonna

Madonna is beaten only by the Queen for the number of ‘Doesn’t she look amazing for her age?’ comments. But it doesn’t mean you’d want to see Elizabeth II in an eyepatch and suspenders singing Like a Virgin. Also we’re surely nearing her next ‘reinvention’. What will it be? A giant frog costume? Joe Biden in a codpiece? A ‘sexy pensioner’ act fellating Bourbon biscuits? Madge had better get a direct debit payment sorted. 

S Club However Many There Still Are

Amazingly still performing, now as a two-piece. Everyone left and Jo – the only good singer – made the mistake of being on that racist series of Celebrity Big Brother. You’d definitely need paying to watch Bradley and Tina slogging through Don’t Stop Moving while you slowly clap after each song. The gig might even be in your living room. Maybe against your will. Because they can’t book anywhere else.

Bob Dylan now

You’d definitely see him in a smoky folk club in New York in the 60s. But you’re not so keen to experience him now from the upper tier of a soulless, cavernous arena. Also he’s essentially an ill-tempered grandpa – who seems angry you’ve visited and woken him up – singing unknown tracks from his very worst albums. Just download his Greatest Hits instead, it’s only £8.99. He can’t complain – he did argue that The Times They Are a-Changin’.

Any tribute band

Elvis Presley died on the toilet in 1977, so it’s best not to be reminded of his last fatal bowel movement watching a tribute act shake his chubby hips to Burning Love in the corner of a Wolverhampton pub. Tribute acts – ‘Noasis’, ‘Kaiser Thiefs’, etc. – abound and often aren’t that cheap for a wholly fake experience. Looks like the ‘Foo Fakers’ will need a Kickstarter if they want you to turn up.