Five little wins for sad, single blokes

ARE you a single man living out his years in grim solitude? Here are five tiny victories that come with being left on the shelf:

You can leave the loo seat up

Every man knows it’s stupid to keep putting the toilet seat down when you’ve only got to lift it up again the next time you need a piss. Women are obsessed with keeping it shut, but thanks to your sad single status you’ll never get nagged over it like your married mates. You’re the lucky one here!

No need for fresh towels

Women religiously put clean towels out every week or so, but what’s the point? You only ever use a towel when you’ve just showered, and are therefore as clean as you’ll ever be, so it’s impossible to get dirty. Adopting a six-monthly changing regime is more than sufficient.

You can eat what you want

No fitting in with your partner’s latest penchant for detox days, Veganuary, or some other faddy diet regime they’re into. You can treat yourself to whatever tickles your fancy, seven days a week. Remind yourself of this as you enjoy a veritable smorgasbord of Pot Noodles, Monster Munch and depressing roast dinner ready meals for one.

No compromising over what to watch

If you lived with someone else you’d be forced to sit through Bridgerton or some other mind-numbing nonsense about big dresses when you could be watching Ice Road Truckers. You’ll still find yourself staring at your phone after five minutes, but at least you’ll be ignoring the channel of your choice.

No one sees your tears

It can get pretty miserable living out your solo existence with nobody asking if you had a good day. So when you find your eyes filling up as you wonder where your ex is nowadays, it’s great that nobody is there to see you blowing your nose on a dirty sock you found down the side of the sofa.

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Joe Rogan, and other bullshit sources 'free thinkers' get their information from

PEOPLE who like calling others ‘sheeple’ don’t get their information from the mainstream media. They use these highly reliable sources instead:


Newsrooms across the world are in thrall to liberal governments and can’t be trusted to be objective. But do you know who can? Your weird uncle Terry who blames every major geopolitical and economic problem in the world on the fact that there are now more Muslims in Woking than when he was growing up.

Joe Rogan

Instead of getting your information from peer-reviewed, accredited sources, why not get it from a former MMA fighter who looks like he’s cosplaying as one of the Mitchell brothers? Always keen to provide ‘alternative’ points of view, it won’t be long before Rogan is asking: ‘Does fire actually hurt if you put your hand in it, or is that a lie spread by the MSM?’

Obviously amateur websites

Do you know what has the required resources, contacts and journalistic prowess to rival the world’s major news outlets? A random website you saw a link to on Twitter that looks like it was made by a 12-year-old with a penchant for clip art. Never mind that the article about vaccines making your testicles explode was littered with grammatical errors, the science is definitely correct.


Ever wondered what would happen if you took the worst aspects of Twitter and Wikipedia and put them in a blender? Then pay a visit to Reddit, where you’ll find a bunch of anonymous idiots pretending to be experts without having to provide any proof. If you’re looking for conspiracies that make David Icke seem as good at reporting facts as Jon Snow, you’ll find them here.

The Daily Mail

Readers like the Daily Mail as they think it’s the only paper in the UK unafraid to report things as they really are. If you look past its vested Conservative political interests, virulently right-wing columnists and Paul Dacre, then yes, it will objectively provide you with the important news: creepy long-lens photographs of teenage celebrities sunbathing.