Five other challenge months for wankers

VEGANUARY over? Back on the booze? Looking to enliven lockdown by setting yourself a fresh challenge? Put these on the calendar: 

Fibuary

Be an influencer for the month by uploading at least 12 pictures a day documenting your fictitious celebrity lifestyle. Artfully Photoshop yourself into Amalfi views, private jets and bank vaults full of gold even though you live in a two-bed terrace in Oswaldtwistle and eat beans on toast four nights a week.

Hatepril

Spend a month as an internet troll, hurling abuse at strangers and celebrities alike from burner accounts on social media. By indulging the darkest and most loathesome side of your nature, you’ll purge yourself and enter May with a spring-cleaned soul.

Reptember

There’s only one thing fitness bores love more than keeping fit: banging on about it. In Reptember tell everyone, even complete strangers, every piece of gym equipment you used each day, how many reps and what weight. Either that or spend a month living as a reptile.

Audicember

All Audi drivers are eligible to take part in this. You have to go the whole month of December without once using your indicators and never driving further than two feet from the car ahead. Participation levels usually hit around 98 per cent.

Ginuary

Still in lockdown this time next year? Skip Dry January and instead try a different flavoured gin each day, beginning pleasantly with raspberry and vanilla and descending to the filthy depths of Fisherman’s Friend and peyote. Often precedes a Dry February.

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Highly organised 20-something already planning spectacular midlife crisis

A 27-YEAR-OLD man is already planning the selfish ways he will mark his mid-life crisis to ensure fun for himself and misery for his partner.

Tom Logan believes the best way to deal with freaking out about getting older is to be prepared and not just choose the first stupid idea that pops into his head when he hits middle age.

Logan said: “I’m going to start small, by buying a mint Playstation 2 and a load of games off eBay for £350, so I can waste hours on the shit games of my youth.

“When I get bored of that, I’ll start going to the gym every night with a ‘friend from work’ and then I’ll buy a motorbike and ride it overland to Sri Lanka where I’ll spend six months finding myself, whatever that means.

“I’m sure Helen will understand and let me come back home once it’s all out of my system.”

Helen Logan said: “Good luck to him. If he’s concentrating on all that he won’t notice I’ve been sleeping with Martin from two doors down and have blown our life savings on scratch cards.”