Sunday, 9th August 2020

Five other things to call these times now you're sick of 'strange' and 'unprecedented'

TIRED of calling these ‘unprecedented times’, especially now you’ve heard of the 1918 Spanish flu pandemic? Try these adjectives: 

These irksome times

While we’re all familiar with how unusual things are, there’s been less mention of what a massive pain in the arse it is. Nobody can go to the beach unless they live there, it takes two hours to ‘nip’ to Asda and there are no pubs. It’s bloody irksome is what it is.

These monotonous times

Unless you’re a key worker, obviously, but for the rest of us there’s nothing going on but the same four walls day in, day out, with the bloody kids climbing them and only an hour tramping around crap local parks allowed each day.

These fattening times

“Why is everyone so fat in these old photos, Daddy?” “Well son, it was the time of the virus and there was nothing to do all day but eat crisps and start drinking Guinness at 5pm. I put on three stone. Your uncle Simon didn’t make it. The coroner’s verdict was ‘death by pies’.”

These f**ked-up times

Might as well be honest: shit is f**ked-up right now. Perhaps historians will recognise that only profanity can truly sum up our current moment, and refer to 2016-2026 as The Clusterf**k Decade.

These ordinary times

Perfect if you’re going the denial route, or for realists who’ve recognised that this is how it’s going to be from now on and our old lives won’t be coming back.