Five other things to call these times now you're sick of 'strange' and 'unprecedented'

TIRED of calling these ‘unprecedented times’, especially now you’ve heard of the 1918 Spanish flu pandemic? Try these adjectives: 

These irksome times

While we’re all familiar with how unusual things are, there’s been less mention of what a massive pain in the arse it is. Nobody can go to the beach unless they live there, it takes two hours to ‘nip’ to Asda and there are no pubs. It’s bloody irksome is what it is.

These monotonous times

Unless you’re a key worker, obviously, but for the rest of us there’s nothing going on but the same four walls day in, day out, with the bloody kids climbing them and only an hour tramping around crap local parks allowed each day.

These fattening times

“Why is everyone so fat in these old photos, Daddy?” “Well son, it was the time of the virus and there was nothing to do all day but eat crisps and start drinking Guinness at 5pm. I put on three stone. Your uncle Simon didn’t make it. The coroner’s verdict was ‘death by pies’.”

These f**ked-up times

Might as well be honest: shit is f**ked-up right now. Perhaps historians will recognise that only profanity can truly sum up our current moment, and refer to 2016-2026 as The Clusterf**k Decade.

These ordinary times

Perfect if you’re going the denial route, or for realists who’ve recognised that this is how it’s going to be from now on and our old lives won’t be coming back.

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Are you a concerned neighbour or a petty-minded little busybody?

ARE you calling the police to report your neighbour going out twice because you’re a good citizen or to get revenge for their dog shitting on your doorstep in 2008? Take our quiz.

The man across the road goes out in his car every couple of days. Do you:

A) Presume he’s taking food or medicine to a relative who can’t get out themselves and leave him to it.

B) Presume he’s driving his car to a local beauty spot to do handbrake turns whilst necking Stella and call 999.

The family next door are having a barbecue in their garden whilst listening to the radio. Do you:

A) Think it’s nice that they’re able to enjoy time together as a family despite the current difficulties.

B) Think they’re waiting for their relatives to come over, get shitfaced and breathe coronavirus all over your clean washing and rockery.

You spot the students from the house down the road sitting on the grass in the park. Do you:

A) Inwardly commend them for sitting several metres away from anyone else and hope they enjoy the sunshine.

B) Find the nearest police officer and report them for being dangerous drug-taking tearaways just because one of them is wearing flip flops.

The lady from round the corner has walked past your house twice today. Do you:

A) Not even notice because you aren’t the type of psycho who would have enjoyed dobbing your neighbours in to the Stasi.

B) Dial 101 and inform the police, whilst pretending you’re doing it to help protect NHS workers and not because you don’t like her curtains.

Your partner returns from the shops with a box of Magnums. Do you:

A) Thank them for this small, kind gesture.

B) Angrily interrogate them about whether this is an essential item, whilst threatening to lock them in the shed for their ‘crime’.

Mostly As. You care about your local community and don’t want to interfere in their business because we’re all having a hard time.

Mostly Bs. You hate your neighbours so much that you wish the lockdown was harsher and there was some kind of gulag they could be taken to on your command.