Tuesday, 7th July 2020

This is not the worst ever Easter, says Jesus

JESUS has rejected claims that this is the worst ever Easter, stating that his original Easter featured a much more savage lockdown.

The son of God said he was disgusted to overhear people complaining that this year’s celebrations will be ‘rubbish’ and ‘not even like a real bank holiday’.

Jesus said: “Cancelling an Easter egg hunt is not a tragedy. You think I had Lindt bunnies hidden around my tomb? Or Netflix? Or the chance to speak to Mary Magdalene on Zoom?

“Stop moaning and turn the other cheek. I absolved my mate Judas, and he did a lot more than just clogging up a WhatsApp group with crappy coronavirus memes.

“Find it in your heart to forgive these sinners, just as I have forgiven all you f**kers who said you had given up booze for Lent and then cracked the second the lockdown was announced.”

However Christian Tom Logan disagreed with Jesus’s analysis: “He was only in that tomb for three days, the pussy. And he didn’t even have any kids in there.

“Right now, crucifixion is an option I would seriously consider.”