This is not the worst ever Easter, says Jesus

JESUS has rejected claims that this is the worst ever Easter, stating that his original Easter featured a much more savage lockdown.

The son of God said he was disgusted to overhear people complaining that this year’s celebrations will be ‘rubbish’ and ‘not even like a real bank holiday’.

Jesus said: “Cancelling an Easter egg hunt is not a tragedy. You think I had Lindt bunnies hidden around my tomb? Or Netflix? Or the chance to speak to Mary Magdalene on Zoom?

“Stop moaning and turn the other cheek. I absolved my mate Judas, and he did a lot more than just clogging up a WhatsApp group with crappy coronavirus memes.

“Find it in your heart to forgive these sinners, just as I have forgiven all you f**kers who said you had given up booze for Lent and then cracked the second the lockdown was announced.”

However Christian Tom Logan disagreed with Jesus’s analysis: “He was only in that tomb for three days, the pussy. And he didn’t even have any kids in there.

“Right now, crucifixion is an option I would seriously consider.”

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Six kitchen staples you won't eat even if this lasts 100 f**king years

EVEN during lockdown there are things lurking in your kitchen you’ll never touch. Here are the ‘store cupboard favourites’ that will remain uneaten forever.

Capers

The jar of capers in your fridge recently celebrated its sixth birthday. If they were human, they’d be settling into Year 2 of primary school. Are they a vegetable, a flower, or possibly animal droppings? They’re definitely versatile – they add a horrible flavour as a pizza topping and completely ruin any salad.

Anything you froze a year ago

Your freezer compartment is a mausoleum for lost meals, a culinary netherworld from which nothing ever returns. You’re just never going to bother defrosting that ancient mince to make a below-par shepherd’s pie.

Dried chickpeas

After using all your tinned chickpeas in a disappointing stew, you’ve still got their dried counterparts at the back of your cupboard. They have the instructions ‘soak overnight’, but even if you’re going stir-crazy, no one has ever been bored enough to soak ingredients overnight. Looks like it’s Dominos again. 

The dried pasta you bought at Rome Airport

You paid 22 Euros for a packet of fancy linguine because you hadn’t realised it was that much until you got to the cashier. Not even a global pandemic will make you crack it open – you’d rather eat £50 notes.

Your sister-in-law’s ‘famous’ chili jam

You’ve been getting jars of this for your birthday since 2006. It wasn’t a proper gift then and it isn’t now. It sits in the fridge out of misguided politeness before getting chucked, completely unused, in the bin. Right now you’re weighing up if it’ll taste good spread onto your last three Birdseye potato waffles. It won’t. It’ll still be shit.

Flour

Look, stop pretending you’re going to use this lockdown to make bread. You’re not. Honestly, this is getting embarrassing. Stop deluding yourself and have another bag of crisps.