Woman injures herself clapping for NHS

A WOMAN has been forced to visit A&E after her clapping in support of the NHS led to a fractured wrist.

Donna Sheridan bravely pushed through the pain barrier to show her admiration for the nation’s healthcare professionals before calling 111 and being sent to hospital.

Sheridan said: “I’m no hero, although in a way I was injured in the line of duty.

“I just wanted to make sure I showed my solidarity with NHS workers. More importantly, I wanted everyone who lives nearby to know I’d shown that solidarity and to make them feel pathetic for their feeble efforts.

“However I have to say I wasn’t impressed to be kept waiting so long in A&E. These doctors and nurses need to pull their fingers out.”

Neighbour Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve started banging pots and pans together instead, that’s much safer.

“Sadly I did break all my kitchenware though, so I’ll be out shopping with lots of other people tomorrow.”

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Five grounds for divorce during isolation

IS your relationship struggling during the lockdown? Check out these perfectly legal grounds for divorce while isolating.

Eating too many biscuits 

Biscuits are a precious commodity during these troubled times and taking more than your fair share is just not on. Also, the person who stockpiled the biscuits legally gets the majority of the biscuits. Fact.

Hogging the bog paper

Fair toilet roll usage is the key to a happy household. One sheet for a wee and three for a poo. No more, no less. Do you really think your arse deserves more care than your partner’s? Any violation of this rule is perfectly reasonable grounds for divorce.  

Bad shopping

If your partner’s idea of ‘essential shopping’ is three Snickers bars, 19 Easter eggs and six bottles of Diet Coke instead of wine then call your solicitor. Especially if they did this after eating all your stockpiled Hobnobs.

Poor hygiene

Washing their hands for anything less than 20 seconds is pure evil. If you ever catch them being an 18.5 second wanker then you can legally call time on your relationship. 


One cough and you have the legal right to get the hell out of there. If they are going down, you do NOT want to go down with them. Get away from that corona-infected bastard as soon as you can. And take the Hobnobs.