Five photos every dickhead takes on holiday

HOLIDAYS are a time of rest, relaxation, and taking the same tedious photos as everyone else. Such as these.

The view from the plane

Soaring above the clouds used to be impressive. Now, thanks to the bombardment of photos cluttering up social media, the miracle of flight is about as spectacular as a dental check-up or sorting the recycling. And at least those mundane activities aren’t accompanied by a string of self-satisfied hashtags designed to attract as big an audience as possible.

Hotel room snaps

If you’ve seen one borderline acceptable hotel room you’ve seen them all. The sight of a neatly-made bed, bedside lamps and plugs with different sockets does not need to be photographed and beamed to a global audience. People crashing in shitty, dirt-cheap hostels should share their miserable accommodation instead – there’s nothing like a good laugh and a sneer.

Show-off selfie

What’s the point of going on holiday if you’re not going to show off about it? That’s clearly the thought process of people who insist on taking sunlit selfies featuring a cheeky (ie. smug) pout at the camera. People in the comments only enable this behaviour by writing ‘Wow, looks amazing!’ instead of ‘I f**king hate you and hope your flight home crashes’.

Legs by the pool

One for the ladies. Instead of actually swimming in the pool or sea you’ve spent hundreds of pounds getting to, it is apparently preferable to take a photo of your legs pointing towards it. Although if you’ve spent months toning and shaving your pins, it’s fair to want to flaunt them to more people than your partner, who pays you the wonderful compliment that they ‘look the same’.

Awkwardly standing by a landmark

The worst offender on the list. Nature didn’t spend millennia carving out the Niagara Falls and architects didn’t build Gothic cathedrals just so you could stand next to them gurning at a camera. You’re barely noticeable anyway because you’re surrounded by thousands of other people doing the same thing. It’s like a Where’s Wally picture populated by bellends.

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Great bullies of history, from Gripper Stebson to Meghan Markle

SINCE the first cro-magnon told a neanderthal to look down then hit him in the nose, humanity has bullied. Here are some of the best.

Henry VIII

Overweight and inadequate like so many bullies, Henry was mean to girls and contemptuous of rules after an argument with Euro-bully Pope Clement VII. Proceeded to claim he had the divine right of kings and dissolved the monasteries for being a bunch of stuck-up swots who could read.

Gripper Stebson

The terror of Grange Hill from series four to eight, Stebson’s campaign of hatred toward Roland took in extortion, humiliation, and making the fat kid hit himself. Formed his own whites-only gang, like in US maximum security prisons, to fight a race war. A role model to a generation of 1980s bullies.

Vinnie Jones

Such an arsehole he bullied a crap London team all the way to the FA Cup, knacker-grabbing Jones recognised his own dearth of talent early on and determined to level the playing field with intimidation and violence. Later did the same in Big Brother and Hollywood, proving bullying works.

Biff Tannen

Back to the Future bully who was such a prick to George McFly it changed the course of history, requiring time travel to solve. Then got hold of the time machine and took being a petty persecuting twat to such heights that he became a satire of Donald Trump, inspiring Donald Trump.

Priti Patel

An independent review found that the wholly useless home secretary was so vile to her staff, shouting, swearing, throwing shit and launching a ‘vicious and orchestrated campaign’, that the government was forced to get rid of the independent adviser. A reformed Patel has turned to bullying the whole country instead.

Meghan Markle

Bullying reaches its apotheosis in Markle, history’s most unrestrained tyrant, who bullied palace staff so remorselessly that her brother-in-law released details to the press. Hair-pulling, spitting on lunch, writing toilet graffiti about a lady-in-waiting’s dad being a gaylord: Markle did the lot. Miraculously it’s stopped now she’s not a direct rival to Kate’s popularity.