Five problems with your £250,000 new-build flat which the builders say are your fault

HOMEBUYERS are constantly hassling beleaguered property developers with unrealistic demands. Here are five problems with your new flat that are definitely your own fault.

Spreading mould

There’s mould in the corners of all the rooms? Caused by a lack of suitable ventilation? So you say. We reckon it’s down to the fact that you dry your washing indoors because we’ve provided no suitable outdoor space. Anyway, you can’t prove it’s our fault, so tough tits. You’ll just have to buy an expensive, noisy dehumidifier.

The new build warranty

You were provided with an amazing ten-year guarantee which means your conveyancers said you didn’t need a survey. Oh, so your insurer has gone into liquidation leaving you without a warranty and in breach of your mortgage terms? And there’s a massive crack in the ceiling that you can’t afford to have fixed? Not our fault, guv.

Dangerous cladding

A tiny bit of flammable cladding is present and snowflake buyers are up in arms. Goodness knows why. What’s the problem with chipping in for a ‘waking watch’ fire warden each month to ensure your new home doesn’t burn down with you in it? You can’t just expect cash-strapped property developers to use safe materials in the building process. Honestly, take some responsibility.

Management fees

£1,250 a year to maintain some shared paving, a few dead trees and a series of hostile no-parking signs is perfectly reasonable. And even if it’s not, there is nothing you can do about it, because it’s written into the 125-year lease. Oh, and did you spot that the ground rent escalates by the rate of inflation each year? No, because we made the print so small you couldn’t physically see it. But it was there.

The stupid name

Jasmine Executive Lodges is a marvellous name which accurately conveys the wonder of 16 poky apartments squeezed together next to a busy road. You wanted actual jasmine? There are some plastic box plants gathering dust in the bleak lobby area, which is more than good enough for you. Just be grateful you’ve been able to buy a flat in the first place.

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The Macarena, and other songs where freestyle dancing is mercifully forbidden

LIFE is full of hard decisions, including what to do with your body on the dance floor. Thankfully, these songs have mandatory moves you must obey.

The Macarena

Where are you? Whose wedding are you dancing at? What the f**k do the words to this song even mean? It doesn’t matter. All you know is that there is a regimented order in which you should cross your arms, sway your hips and jump 90 degrees. If only the rest of life was this orderly, it would be so much better.

Gangnam Style

The dance floor version of stabilisers. So long as you’re trotting around like you’re riding a horse and doing that little crossed-arm movement then nobody can accuse you of being a shit dancer. You’re just following the rules, if it makes you look like a prancing tit then it’s not your fault. People should take it up with Psy if it offends them.

Time Warp

You’re on your own during the verses, so try to keep a low profile and run down the clock. When the chorus kicks in though you can switch off your brain and follow the instructions that are politely spelled out. Jumping to the left and putting your hands on your hips requires minimum coordination, meaning even someone as clumsy as you can stagger your way through it.

Cha Cha Slide

Can you tell your left foot from your right foot? Do you know how to stomp and hop? Congratulations, you know pretty much everything you need to dance to this song. As for the titular Cha Cha Slide, that move just involves smoothly shuffling around. Don’t worry if that’s too sophisticated for your lumpen body, the criss cross bit is only seconds away.


Who cares if you’re awkwardly standing around pointing a finger out of time during the verse? You’re just saving your energy for the main event when the letters get spelled out, which is all anyone cares about anyway. Don’t f**k it up by making the ‘C’ face the wrong direction though. Everyone on the dance floor will come to a halt and mock you for the rest of your life.