HAVE you got a car you only use to nip into town with a dashboard that looks like it’s been designed by NASA? Here’s why modern cars are shit.
Parking sensors that won’t shut up
One of the main things your driving instructor teaches you is how not to drive into things like walls, other cars and people. Do you really need six different sensors shrieking at you when you get within a metre of another object? If you do, maybe you shouldn’t be driving at all as your spatial awareness is f**ked.
Headlights that can be seen from space
Now that all cars have LED lights, 90 per cent of any trip at night is spent being dazzled and the other 10 per cent raging about why any car needs lights so bright they can be seen from the f**king moon. Surely seeing enough to not crash into oncoming traffic would suffice?
Pointless reversing cameras
As humans, we are blessed with orbs of jelly in our faces called eyes, which allow us to see whether we’re about to reverse into a lamp post or not. All reversing cameras do is provide you with a confusing grainy image to peer at instead of looking over your shoulder. By the time you’ve figured out if that black blob is the neighbours’ cat, you’ve squished Oscar.
Too big for standard parking spaces
Does having an unnecessarily massive car make you feel like a character in Mad Max during the five-minute trip to Morrisons? That’s all well and good until you pull up next to another pointlessly big vehicle in the car park and neither of you can open your doors because you barely fit in the space.
They’re ugly as f**k
On top of everything else, the aesthetic style seems to be ‘mum drives the kids to school through an apocalyptic wasteland in a futuristic armoured car’. There’s enough room for the whole family, and the bumpers are big enough to mow down a legion of zombies if necessary.