Four sensors, two cameras and too f**king big to park: Why modern cars are shit

HAVE you got a car you only use to nip into town with a dashboard that looks like it’s been designed by NASA? Here’s why modern cars are shit.

Parking sensors that won’t shut up

One of the main things your driving instructor teaches you is how not to drive into things like walls, other cars and people. Do you really need six different sensors shrieking at you when you get within a metre of another object? If you do, maybe you shouldn’t be driving at all as your spatial awareness is f**ked.

Headlights that can be seen from space

Now that all cars have LED lights, 90 per cent of any trip at night is spent being dazzled and the other 10 per cent raging about why any car needs lights so bright they can be seen from the f**king moon. Surely seeing enough to not crash into oncoming traffic would suffice?

Pointless reversing cameras

As humans, we are blessed with orbs of jelly in our faces called eyes, which allow us to see whether we’re about to reverse into a lamp post or not. All reversing cameras do is provide you with a confusing grainy image to peer at instead of looking over your shoulder. By the time you’ve figured out if that black blob is the neighbours’ cat, you’ve squished Oscar.

Too big for standard parking spaces

Does having an unnecessarily massive car make you feel like a character in Mad Max during the five-minute trip to Morrisons? That’s all well and good until you pull up next to another pointlessly big vehicle in the car park and neither of you can open your doors because you barely fit in the space.

They’re ugly as f**k

On top of everything else, the aesthetic style seems to be ‘mum drives the kids to school through an apocalyptic wasteland in a futuristic armoured car’. There’s enough room for the whole family, and the bumpers are big enough to mow down a legion of zombies if necessary.

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Don't go and take photos of the sea for f**k's sake: Storm advice for dickheads

WITH Britain braced for the storm of the century, the Met Office is offering clear advice to dickheads who’ll ignore it: 

Don’t take photos of big waves

More specifically, don’t go to coastal locations famous for big waves during a red-warning storm and try to get a picture of yourself almost being hit by one. It’s as safe as going down the M6 and trying to get a photo of yourself almost being hit by a speeding HGV. 

Don’t stand under a tree

Easily avoidable at any time, and standing under a big old rotting tree could prove fatal today. Yes, it probably won’t, but what are you missing out on if you don’t? The thrill of looking up and seeing branches? Can that not wait until Sunday? 

Don’t go for a moorland drive

Feel like you’re losing out on the storm of the century by staying in and watching it through the windows? Got a bad case of extreme weather FOMO? Don’t pack the family into the Vauxhall Corsa and go motoring on Dartmoor. You won’t enjoy that flask of tea upside-down in a ditch. 

Don’t walk a high-sided dog over a bridge

Let the hound shit in the garden today. Don’t fool yourself that just because you’ve put a hi-viz jacket on your Old English Sheepdog to make it look like Boris Johnson it’s safe to walk it over the nearest suspension bridge. You could end up flying it like a kite. 

Don’t attempt to fix power cuts yourself

If power lines have been brought down, resist the temptation to connect the ends together so you can carry on binge-watching Reacher. It actually isn’t as simple as connecting the two sparking ends together. 13,800 volts won’t care that you’re wearing rubber wellies. 

Don’t piss into it

Urinate indoors where possible, and it’s always possible. If venturing outside for some knobhead reason, don’t unsheath your member and defiantly urinate into the very teeth of Eunice while screaming ‘You’re not the boss of me!’ The consequences will be predictable, unpleasant and fully deserved.