Free gifts on comics: Rubbish things you had to have as a kid

AS a child did you think you’d die if you didn’t own certain items of tat? Here are the things you pestered your parents endlessly to get.

Free gifts on the front of comics

Often a ‘space spinner’ that immediately plummeted to earth. Sometimes strange, like Warlord comic’s tiny hand metal grenade pendant. But always something you really, really, really, really, really had to have then quickly lost interest in, like a plastic Judge Dredd badge you made your poor dad trawl every newsagent’s for.

Pencil tops

You HAD to have them, whether they were Munch Bunch characters or boring erasers. They actually impeded your ability to write by unbalancing the pencil, and it’s unlikely Shakespeare was unable to pen his masterworks without a variety of ‘quill tops’.

Free gifts in cereal 

Kellogg’s bike reflectors that went on your spokes were a pop culture sensation, but most ‘gifts’ were objectively crap. Parents were harassed, oil was turned into plastic, the Earth plundered and all so you could own small plastic figures of Snap, Crackle and Pop that did f**k all. 

Deely boppers 

Possibly a cruel joke by the manufacturers, these served no purpose other than to make the wearer look like a twat. But everyone had them so you had to, too. Harmless fun or a sinister example of the conformist herd mentality that led to the rise of Hitler and Pol Pot? Definitely the latter. 

Free flexi discs 

Could be quite random, like ‘sounds of the jungle’ with Robinsons Barley Water. The sheer novelty of a FREE RECORD ensured that you listened to it obsessively, just to further torment your parents who’d already bought the product, collected the vouchers and posted them off in an envelope to receive something of no value whatsoever.

Cunningly marketed board games

Games such as Battleship, Headache and Mastermind were pretty obviously dull but you preferred to believe the exciting TV adverts. After a few plays they went on their journey to The Cupboard of No Return where The Game of Life was interred.

Collectable tea cards

A f**king cynical ploy. Children weren’t interested in tea, but were obsessed with Doctor Who cards or the Brooke Bond ones you messily glued into an album, forcing parents to keep buying the same brand. Some were even pretty dull for kids, eg. Vanishing Wildlife cards of ocelots and tapirs, and just preyed on children being acquisitive little shits.

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Robert Webb: 'I simply could not cope with the shagging'

ROBERT Webb has admitted he quit Strictly because his heart could not handle the non-stop 24-7 athletic extra-marital sex. 

The comedy actor confessed that while the dancing was strenuous, the pressure of finishing rehearsals and immediately beginning a 10-hour f**kathon was too much for him. 

He said: “I enjoyed it – I loved it – but the body has its limits. And while I thought I was up to 10 or more orgasms a day, I’ve had to face the fact I’m not. 

“I’m sorry to let down my partner Dianne and couldn’t be prouder of the energetic, acrobatic, movie-themed shagging we enjoyed. I wouldn’t have got this far without such a flexible and depraved partner. 

“I’ve more respect than ever for the celebrities who take part. Abbey Clancy, Rachel Riley, John Sergeant, I don’t know how you did it. This show takes you to the very limit of even the most adventurous sexuality and beyond. 

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told how Bill Bailey satisfied every dancer on the show – male and female, two at a time – in a single session, then revealed with a cheeky wink he’d not even taken his Viagra. 

“Legend. The night before the live final.”