Gender party reveals foetus as 'boy' and parents as 'twats'

A GENDER reveal party has confirmed the sex of a baby and the utter twattishness of his parents.

The ostentatious event involved 12 blue-painted doves being released from a giant cake to inform guests that the foetus was male, and that the mother and father were f**king insufferable.

Guest Joshua Hudson said: “The parents decided to find a grotesquely extravagant way to reveal a colour, which told us what sex the baby was, and also that they’re the kind of lunatics who think these parties are something other than a huge, narcissistic waste of everyone’s time.

“Just send a text, for Christ’s sake. It’s not even very interesting information. I’d rather go to a party that revealed the plot of the next series of Succession.

“I bet my girlfriend it would be a boy, but I’m still annoyed we bothered coming. Ten quid can’t make up for this afternoon.

“And we couldn’t even eat the cake because the doves shat all over it.”

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The Flat Earth Society's guide to going on holiday

IF there is one thing we can all agree on in these uncertain times, it’s that the Earth is a big flat circle. Here’s how to enjoy a holiday on our massive floating disc:

Use binoculars to decide your destination

One of the great advantages of the Earth being completely flat is that you can see everything all the time with a powerful enough telescope. Close your eyes, spin in a circle and whatever you see first when you open them is where you’re going. Pyramids – here we come!

Don’t look out the plane window

Don’t let your curiosity get the better of you by looking out of the plane window to see the so-called ‘curvature of the Earth’. If you think you’re seeing it, you are either experiencing confirmation bias or you’ve had one too many miniature whiskeys. In any case, you’re wrong.

Use a big zipline

Why spend money on airfare when you can just climb to the top of a hill and zipline your way to Portugal? Of course, you’re not experiencing gravity, but instead the mysterious force we call ‘dark energy’. No, that’s not made up, we read it on the internet, which is entirely factual.

Visit the fantasy NASA theme park

NASA is similar to Disneyland in its fantastical nature and use of forced perspective. Why not take the whole family for a tour and have a photo with three dwarves stacked inside a life-sized flesh suit of Buzz Aldrin?

Don’t fall off the edge

Woah, careful! When you reach the gargantuan ice wall which encompasses our ever-accelerating space disc to stop the sea running into space, you’ve gone too far. Or you’re on drugs. It’s hard to say which.

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