Gentrification making area nicer

THE terrible scourge of gentrification has hit an area, making it a much more pleasant place to live. 

The Miles Platting area of Manchester is seeing increasing new development that has left locals worried for the shit character of the place they live.

Resident Steve Malley said: “When the boarded-up betting shop is replaced with a lovely little place selling horchata at first you’re pleased. Then you realise it’s come for you.

“That was just the first. The old derelict grocer now sells organic veg, the pub that shut down in 2005 is back open selling craft ale, there’s people walking with a spring in their step and cyclists waving hello. This is gentrification, all right.

“Time was you were afraid to walk down these streets at night. Now I see neighbours I’ve known 30 years picking up their dog’s shit as if that’s normal, because they don’t want to ‘ruin the vibe’.

“There’s hanging baskets outside the pub and they’re threatening a monthly farmers’ market. What happened to the shithole I knew and planned to raise my kids in?”

City planner Julian Cook said: “While gentrification may result in higher rents, displaced communities and reduced community spirit, it does also lead to nicer cafes, local shops and increased access to prosciutto.

“Everything will be great until the bastard letting agents show up.”

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The five excruciating moments your parents choose to ask if you're seeing anyone

SINGLE? Got parents? Who deliberately choose the most punishingly painful moment to ask probing questions about, essentially, if you’re f**king? 

During a conversation about the news

Your relationship status has no connection to Ukraine or Gaza, thank f**k, so it comes out of nowhere when chat swerves hard from the IDF to why you were wrong to dump Tom, who had prospects. Do bombed-out buildings remind them of your love life? That segues into the cost of living, which could be allieviated by splitting the rent with a special someone.

When you’ve lost your job

Been made redundant again? Brace yourself for a tearful phone call to your parents where they cut you off to ask if you’ve got any dates lined up. You reply it’s not your main focus and your dad replies that now you’re free to date shift workers during the day you’ve got even less excuse. ‘And MILFs,’ he adds.

During a family occasion

Whether Christmas or a christening, a 50th birthday or a family meal, your parents need to establish to all attendees first that you’re single and second that it’s your own fault. It’s almost like an intervention for being terminally unloveable but without the follow-up of rehab, just a lonely walk home to an empty flat.

Midafternoon on a Thursday

An unprompted text from your mother reading ‘still single? x’ at half-past two on a Thursday, just as you’re miserably failing at Countdown, is not especially awkward because there’s nobody there to see you stifle sobs. But it’s hardly normal, is it? And nor is the same text at half-past two in the morning next Tuesday.

Two minutes after they last asked

You calmly explained to your parents that you are still single a mere 120 seconds ago, yet they’re grilling you again. Perhaps they assumed you were lying? Or thought you’d matched with someone, gone on a few dates and made it official during your conversation? Modern dating is a weird and wonderful thing after all. But, in fact, no.