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Boris didn't have gold wallpaper or go to any parties: an exclusive from Boris Johnson's talking arsehole

DEPOSED prime minister Boris Johnson never hung gold wallpaper and did not attend a single party, according to that same prime minister’s miraculous talking arsehole. 

The flabby, fuzzy derriere that once sat in Downing Street shattered public illusions that Partygate happened or that flat renovations cost £200,000 by delivering pure truth from its unsullied lips.

Daily Mail reader Nathan Muir said: “An arsehole that speaks? Seems to me that’s going to have the definitive word on all subjects.

“So when it says Boris would have cruised the next election, the wallpaper was not real, and there were simply no parties and the photos of them do not exist, why would I doubt this trustworthy sphincter?

“When you’ve seen an anal ring form the words ‘Boris travelled to his Uxbridge constituency every Friday’ there can’t be any doubt. During lockdown he did that. Hero.

“The arsehole speaks with conviction. It’s definitely not Boris bent over with his trousers down winking his starfish while unconvincingly throwing his voice. I think it should present Have I Got News For You.” 

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Filet-O-Fish, KFC fries: the worst item from every fast food chain

EATING your usual guilty cheeseburger, you notice the items on the menu of your favourite fast-food franchise that nobody living has ever ordered. For why would they?  

McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish

Invented so Christians could still cram their faces with McDonald’s on a Friday, is it the tiny, tiny smear of tartare sauce or the weirdly smooth, seedless bun that’s so profoundly unnerving, almost perverted? The Filet-O-Fish is as reviled in London as in Karachi, as hated in San Diego as in Sao Paulo, an international object of disgust.

KFC Fries

The Colonel knows how to fry a chicken, but he knows f**k all about chips. Shite tasting, literally always underdone, covered up with a layer of herbs and pepper to disguise their naked horror, you choke them down as a kind of pointless palate cleanser between the main event. When you’d rather have a sodding corn-on-the-cob, they’ve f**ked up.

Burger King Chicken Burger

Going to Burger King for chicken is like going to your local pub for a wisdom tooth extraction; the offer was made in over-confidence and badly followed through. Why does it exist? Were there chickens wandering through the kitchen it was easier to slaughter than shoo? Why keep flogging this dead horse that tastes worse than dead horse could?

Subway Veggie Delite

Life too short to listen to a bored teenage listing sweetcorn options in a monotone? Pick something off the board and regret it at leisure. A lettuce and tomato sandwich between two slices of cake-like bread? Even a vegan can do better than this.

Starbucks Egg Bites

When you first laid eyes on these disgusting abominations while picking out your panini, you doubted everything. Were you in the wrong reality? Were cameras watching you, hoping you’d be hypnotised into buying two sweaty omelettes the size of 50p pieces for over £3? At least they stopped your girlfriend’s ‘carb-free’ phase in its tracks.

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