Prince William bitten by radioactive baby

THE heir to the throne has been bitten by a radioactive baby and now has the powers of a baby, it has emerged. 

The Prince of Wales was visiting Singapore for vague environmental reasons when he received a bite from the irradiated baby and soon found himself developing astonishing new powers.

A Royal insider said: “For most of us, developing the incredible powers of a five-month-old baby would be a step down. For William, it’s a massive step up.

“He’s now able to stay up all night, to cry at nerve-shredding volume, to shit himself while smiling and most of all to be the centre of attention in every room he enters without doing anything of note, which means we don’t need Kate anymore.

“The weaknesses of a baby – baldness, inability to feed himself, unable to accept that he is not the only person in the universe – are all covered by his being Royal anyway, so it’s the best of both worlds.

“Will he be dressing up in a nappy and fighting crime? No. But he might make an inoffensive and ineffectual speech about how crime is bad.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Poppy on Ford Transit commemorates fallen vans

A FORD Transit has donned an enormous red poppy on its front grill to commemorate the British cargo vehicles lost in war.

Electrician Bill McKay affixed the 2ft diameter disc of patriotic red cardboard because he believes four-wheeled military personnel do not get enough credit for their sacrifices.

Mr McKay said: “Not enough attention is paid to the vehicles that, like everyone and everything associated with our military, are heroes.

“They also serve who only deliver ammunition, and we lost so many plucky vans in Flanders, not least because of the terrain. But we never see the iconic silhouette of a Leyland A1 atop a hill.

“The woke brigade would rather we remembered soldiers who were gay, Indian, or trans rather than our brave Bedford trucks. But there was an empty parking space at every business in 1918.

“And it’s not just about the two World Wars and one World Cup. My van commemorates all the Snatch Land Rovers blown up in Iraq. Crap, underfunded, and a symbol of the British government’s indifference to the lives of its soldiers, but by god they were lionhearted.

“My Ford Transit, in which tools are not left overnight, is a moving tribute to those noble vans who gave their axles to stop the Axis. No matter that it’s untaxed and uninsured.”