Getting CCTV for their shit semi: Five signs your neighbours have lost the plot

MOST neighbours are a bit strange, but some are absolutely crackers. Here are the surefire signs the folks next door have lost their tiny minds.

Getting CCTV

If one Amazon parcel in 1,000 doesn’t arrive it’s clearly been stolen off their doorstep. Likewise, a dent in a car door 15 doors down is plague of mindless vandalism. So your neighbours will fit more CCTVs on their crap semi than Fort Knox. Paranoid? Yep, the twats are convinced ‘fish thieves’ are targeting the unremarkable goldfish in their pond.

A flagpole 

The Jubilee flushed out lots of flag-shagging neighbours. A massive Union Jack on a full-size flagpole is the properly mad option. But now there’s also the Ukrainian flag. Is it genuine sympathy or do they just like the idea of killing Russians? You suspect the latter. Probably Zelensky would prefer £500 towards missiles instead of a cheap Chinese flag erected 1500 miles away, but your neighbours are only committed to the tune of £8.99.

Chickens

A few repeats of The Good Life and suddenly everyone thinks they can run their own smallholding. It starts with a few chickens. ‘Think of the money we’ll save on eggs!’ they say, forgetting eggs cost f**k all. If they go full loony, soon the garden will be a mudbath with two farting, belching pigs. A month later the RSPCA will be trying to a rehome an alpaca they bought online whilst pissed.

A dramatic paint job

Ranking even weirder than starting a paranoid neighbourhood WhatsApp group and putting a creepy old rocking horse in their bay window comes a crazy repaint of the house. Turning your entire property a luminous pink hue will be bad for house prices, but it may also encourage other neighbours. Before long you’ll be living in a street that looks as if it’s been smeared with kids’ slime and dog vomit.

A hot tub

Every terraced house in a bad postcode needs a leaky, second-hand hot tub. Initially your neighbours will have a few weeks of raucous parties with dreadful dance music and Strongbow Dark Fruits. Then the novelty will wear off and they’ll realise how much it costs to run, and leave it to become a glorified stagnant pond. Although it’s still popular with clouds of midges, who will visit your garden too.

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The Lake District, and other horribly overrated UK destinations

GOING on holiday in the UK? Here are five dream destinations people won’t shut up about but which you’ll find deeply underwhelming.

The Lake District

When Wordsworth wrote about the glory and quiet solitude of the Lakes, he wasn’t dealing with a million arseholes in fleeces who’d had the exact same idea as him. Every town is a tourist trap and there are no hidden gems – just miserably crowded cliffsides. The vast amount of Peter Rabbit tat will provide a constant depressing reminder of the existence of James Corden.

Cornwall

If you love overpriced food and accommodation, as well as being surrounded by the slimiest subset of the middle classes, you’ll just adore Cornwall. Struggling to picture yourself there? Just imagine the Med without the culture or the weather. And everyone local thinking you’re sneering investment banker scum who should choke on a scone.

The Highlands

Sure, you might love the idea of snuggling up in a remote Scottish bothy with a whisky and no phone signal, but when the cold sets in and you’re confronted with the reality – that the nearest shop is 50 miles away and doesn’t get a toilet paper delivery until next month – you’ll be living in terror of breaking a leg and dying alone in a ravine, perhaps nibbled slowly to death by goats.

Wales

Once you’ve driven the five hours to get to the glorious sandy beach you saw online (Google says public transport would have taken you about six months), you’ll realise it’s nothing like the Caribbean because the Irish Sea is f**king freezing, and the closest they have to tropical cocktails is Bacardi Breezers at the local flat roof pub.

London

People who live in London never go to the West End, museums or any classic tourist destinations, because they’re shit, overpriced and could be done in a city that isn’t so overcrowded and filled with visible pollution. Enjoying hacking up your lungs as you stroll around Shrek’s Adventure. Also remember how the film was good but a knackering tourist trap with a bloke in green foam suit isn’t. Cheer yourself up with a so-so Chinese meal in Chinatown that you could have got anywhere in the UK.