My adventures in Scotchland, by Liz Truss

HOOTS, I’ve caused a stir by saying we should ignore Nicola Sturgeon and Scotchish independence. Here’s what I learned during a government fact-finding trip to this strange, backward little province.

Sturgeon is the Queen of the Scotch

I thought their leader was Sean Connery, but it turns out to be Sturgeon, who I’m sure is Wee Jimmy Krankie. You’d think someone would have noticed that before and commented on it. But that’s why we can ignore the SNP. You can’t have a country run by a schoolboy, even if he was on Crackerjack.

The language is very confusing 

You’ll need a translator. Apparently ‘auld’ means ‘old’. How on earth are you meant to work that out? ‘Buckie’ means ‘Buckfast tonic’ – a slang term without rhyme or reason. And although ‘ya bawbag’ sounds like ‘you ballbag’ it actually means ‘Nice to meet you’, as in ‘Ya bawbag, Truss’.

Can we trust them with Trident?

I understand English people’s concern – we don’t want to be nuked by a Scotch who’s seen Braveheart too many times! But I doubt they really understand what Trident is. I leave my cat Disraeli unsupervised all the time, and he hasn’t worked out how to use the cooker. Maybe he’s a bit slow. I shall ask another cat owner if theirs uses the cooker.

The Loch Ness Monster is real

I spent an hour by Loch Ness throwing bits of tuna sandwich in and, bold as brass, a Loch Ness monster swam right up to me. It was furry with whiskers and about the size of a small dog, which was odd because I expected it to be more like a dinosaur. Clearly the scientists need to do more Nessie research.

Scotchland can’t rely on hunting bagpipes for income

A professional bagpipe hunter informed me that these strange creatures with five wooden legs are widely hunted for their meat (haggis) and to be turned into musical instruments. This is no way to run a modern economy. The Scotch should find out if they have any valuable natural resources to sell, such as oil, or develop a thriving cheese industry. 

My final thoughts on Scotchland

Despite it being a pretend country, I’m very fond of Scotchland, with its yappy little terriers and fun-loving heroin addicts like Ewan McGregor. When I’m prime minister I’ll extend the hand of friendship and be just as popular with the Scotch as their favourite PM, Margaret Thatcher.

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How to treat a job interview like a first date and vice versa

INTERVIEWS are much like dates: you put a shitload of work and afterwards they refuse to answer messages. Use these tactics for both: 

Arrive early-ish

Getting there late gives a bad impression, but arriving two hours beforehand proves you’re desperate. Breeze in ten minutes early like you just swung by between two far cooler engagements and they’re lucky to have your time.

Laugh hysterically at their jokes

This is the funniest, most interesting conversation you have ever had. You are connecting on so many levels, the fun will never stop, even when you have to see each other every morning for the next ten years. Warning: certain things, like pay offers or expectations of sex acts, may be hilarious but not be a joke.

Put way too much effort into your appearance

You want to dress to impress and be groomed to the gods. In either the job or the relationship you’ll never try this hard or look this good again, but for an hour you can feign that you’re always this presentable.

Watch out for red flags

If they’re calling all their ex-partners or former employees crazy, get the f**k out of there. Also any suggestion you be available every evening and weekend to instantly respond to their texts.

Pretend you’re experienced…ish

You need to be super-skilled from extensive experience, but you’ve not been hopping between previous positions every couple of weeks. Bonus points if you’ve operated internationally.

Invent a whole new personality

Shove your hatred for spontaneity and love of lying around doing bugger all right down. You’re up for anything and supremely adaptable. They can find out all that’s a lie when you’ve locked them down and they’re stuck with you.

Pretend to be unconcerned about money

Material things don’t interest you. You’re focused on being happy and fulfilled. Questions about annual income are just for completeness.

Don’t shag them right away

Leave them wanting more. Make sure the contract’s signed before coming across. There will be plenty of time for all involved parties to regret it later.