Getting pissed in the park on cider making a comeback

GETTING blind drunk with a mate on a freezing cold park bench is now the best thing to do at the weekend thanks to lockdown.

Adults who have not got pissed outside in winter since the 90s are now spending Friday and Saturday evenings on their local playing field with bottles of cheap cider.

Lucy Parry, 42, said: “Last night I caned two litres of White Lightning on the swings, had a piss behind a bush and puked on the roundabout. It was bloody brilliant.

“Tonight, I’m meeting another friend at the bus shelter where we’ll share a bottle of neat Archers and a packet of B&H. Our husbands will turn up later and we’ll probably play a game of spin the bottle.

“It’s fun, but the only problem is we have to sneak in past our kids so they don’t see that we’re shitfaced.

“My 10-year-old asked me if I’d been smoking the other night. I forgot to take some Impulse body spray to cover up the smell. Rookie error.

“He made me ground myself for a week.”

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Tories promise to have traditional Sunday night office dread back by February

THE horror of Sunday night is set to return under government plans to force all office workers back to their desks when the Covid vaccine becomes available.

Ministers have assured people who have been working from home since March that the feelings of relaxation they have been experiencing every weekend will be replaced by creeping dread.

A government spokesman said: “As soon as they start school, British people have a horrible Pavlovian response to Sunday nights instilled in them. It’s part of the curriculum.

“The moment they wake up on a Sunday, they should feel a vague sense of anxiety that grows throughout the day into a feeling of full-blown horror as they contemplate another week at the office.

“Working from home has ruined this, allowing them to feel a pleasant sense of contentment throughout the whole week, instead of the fear and tension associated with most workplaces.

“We’ll be crushing that as soon as possible, obviously, because happy people don’t vote Tory. Get your noses back to the grindstone, you namby-pamby snowflakes.”