Going abroad and four other things it’s piss-easy to give up this lent

WANT to enjoy the smugness associated with abstinence but also can’t really be arsed? This year there are several things you can give up without even trying.

Going abroad

Normally it’s only money and a niggling feeling you’re destroying the planet that prevents you from jetting off to another country, but thanks to strict border controls it’s now practically impossible. This doesn’t mean you can’t feel all virtuous about your good deed whilst naively planning a doomed getaway for the summer though.

Frivolous spending

Are you the type of person who couldn’t leave work and get on the bus without popping into the shops in between to spend £150 on an ill-advised new jacket that you’ll never wear? Well, it’s now impossible, so make the most of being thrifty whilst it’s still being enforced on you by the government.

Gossiping

Talking about other people behind their back is fun but can be very damaging, so it’s a good choice to give up for lent. Due to the fact that no one you know has done anything even remotely interesting or scandalous due to lockdown, it will be a piece of piss to give up gossiping this year.

Eating healthily

Maintaining a balanced diet with a mix of food groups is a total chore, however it’s extremely easy to give up. A meal plan centred around cakes and crisps is much more fun and chances are this is exactly what you’ve been living on since March 2020.

Staying sober

By far the easiest thing to give up for lent. Even during the before time this was a breeze, but if you switch on the news you’ll find yourself reaching for a six pack without even thinking about it. If you’re teetotal, simply look through a friend’s window to get half-cut vicariously.

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Resurrecting mammoths: five stories newspapers will never get sick of printing

PUZZLED as to how newspapers fill up their column inches on a daily basis? Here are five bullshit stories they can’t help but run regularly.

Resurrecting mammoths

For decades scientists have been five years away from being able to resurrect a woolly mammoth. Are they dragging their heels because they’ve realised people want dinosaurs or nothing? There’s a reason mammoths didn’t appear in Jurassic Park: they’re not as cool as velociraptors.

Going to Mars

Humans colonising Mars has been in the newspapers since the beginning of the Space Race, but the story has been given added urgency as we’ve continued to merrily burn through the earth’s dwindling natural resources. Adding entertaining new angles such as billionaire lunatic Elon Musk and his SpaceX programme means this one will keep running.

Anything about Princess Diana

These articles are often tied into notable anniversaries, like that time she wore some nice shoes or appeared in public with earrings. They won’t come to any conclusions about the People’s Princess though, because the paper needs to squeeze another 40 years out of mulling her over.

A boob fell out of a dress

Depending on where you’re reading about a wardrobe malfunction the tone will differ greatly. The Guardian will soberly reflect on the patriarchal nature of the fashion industry, whereas the Sunday Sport will accompany a full-page photo of the faux pas with the witty headline: ‘Cor, look! Jugs!’

Elvis isn’t dead

Or Tupac, or Kurt Cobain, or Hitler, or Lord Lucan, or Marilyn Monroe. Newspapers love a story about a celebrity or criminal long believed dead suspected to be living on a secluded island or being spotted in a Tesco Metro in Barnsley. It can’t be proved either way, meaning it can be brought out to fill a page every five years or so.