MOVIES believe that being a teenager is romance, rebellion and rites of passage, forgetting that it’s mostly time pissed away on this crap:
Doing the big shop
It’s half-term, there’s bugger all going on, and your mum’s off down Tesco for a big shop. A cool screen teen would be up to crazy antics the moment she left. Real teens tag sulkily along because they know they’ll be able to get a family-size Dairy Milk and maybe even a new top out of it.
Swigging Frosty Jack’s in a park
Every teen film has a scene where everyone gets wasted at a raging keg party with those red cups. None show the reality of alcohol experimentation: a dimly-lit park, illegally downloaded music playing on a shit speaker, and a beverage so cheap it can only be purchased in 2.5 litre bottles.
Doing homework all f**king night
Do filmmakers not remember how many hours of coursework it takes to get one poxy GCSE? It’s not one page of handwriting then out the window to explore new passions. Any real Year 11 isn’t sneaking anywhere until they’ve drilled the formation process of an oxbow lake.
Having a six-hour breakdown about someone else getting a text
The fundamental problem with teen life on the big screen is that there is way too much going on. Actual secondary schools are the perfect balance of absolutely f**k all happening while 14-year-olds discuss in hysterical depth just why Kirk could possibly have sent that text to Hailee and whether Bradley knows.
Being horrifically grotty
Screen teens are all far too well dressed and, well, washed. Teenage boys stink of BO and Lynx while teenage girls slather foundation over burst spots. A few shots of those communal bibs from PE football would go a long way.
It wouldn’t make for the most thrilling viewing. But any scene showing a person under 20 set before 1pm on a weekend is completely unrealistic. They do nothing but sleep. They sleep all the f**king time.