Going to a club alone, and other things that make women empowered but men creepy weirdos

THERE are some activities in life that women are celebrated for, while men are branded as perverts. Here are some of the double standards.

Going to a club alone

If a woman goes to a club alone she’s a fierce female who doesn’t need a partner or friends for support when she wants to have a good time. A man, on the other hand, is a desperate creep whose only motivation for being there is getting lucky with women wearing beer goggles. Hardly fair, is it? True, yes, but not fair.

Visiting a nudist beach

Women are encouraged to love their bodies, no matter what shape or size, so throwing off their clothes on a nudist beach is female emancipation in action. If a man goes to a nudist beach, though, he’s a voyeuristic pervert who should be on some kind of register. There’s no way he could just be trying to get an even tan with no lines.

Owning a sex toy

Whether it’s a discreet little bullet vibrator or a ginormous, monstrously-veined dildo, sex toys are liberating and empowering for women, no questions asked. But if you own a fleshlight or, even worse, a blow-up doll, you are utterly disgusting. Although that accusation may not be entirely unjustified if you’re capable of shagging something considerably less sexy than a space hopper.

Enjoying casual sex

While some people will always negatively judge promiscuous women, they’re much more likely to be viewed as knowing what they want and not being afraid to go out and get it. Blokes, however, are called ‘f**kboys’ and castigated for being disrespectful bastards when the inevitable ghosting happens. Still, at least if a woman abruptly ditches a man who was quite into her, he can be proud that he’s done his bit for equality.

Talking about bodily functions

Women are always banging on about their periods nowadays, and are encouraged to do so by everyone from TV adverts to health professionals. However, when men let a big fart proudly rip in the supermarket people view them with revulsion and back away. They’re both bodily functions, but why is one welcomed and the other isn’t? Clearly feminism has gone too far.

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Man concerned about penis size forgets to worry about entire personality

A MAN who fears he has a small penis should be more concerned about how much of a twat he is, his friends believe.

Martin Bishop, 36, has spent so long preoccupied by the dimensions of his knob he has failed to notice the more pressing issue of being a complete arsehole.

Bishop said: “Ever since I was a teenager I’ve been afraid women might point and laugh when I drop my trousers, or say, ‘Haha, no but seriously, where’s the rest of it?’

“That’s never actually happened, but I do feel I need a big penis like a porn star, or ideally a horse. Just for my peace of mind and to make me irresistible to women, all of whom are obsessed with big dicks.”

Friend Jordan Gardner said: “Knob size really isn’t the first issue that arises when finding a partner. Whether it’s as long as a javelin or as short as a Freddo, he’s still a boring moron who recommends books like Alan Sugar’s autobiography.

“None of his exes have mentioned a miniature cock. What they have mentioned is him watching GB News and making ‘amusing’ comments about his farts. Why am I friends with him, again?”

Bishop’s ex-girlfriend Ellie Shaw said: “I didn’t split up with Martin because I found someone with a bigger schlong, which is quite insulting to me, actually. I left him because he used to call me ‘hot tits’. 

“Rest assured there’s always a massive dick when Martin’s around.”