Gove mad for beak

MICHAEL Gove is absolutely mental for gak, the white stuff, ching and nose crack, he has confessed. 

The environment secretary, who is in the running for Tory leader, admitted that every day begins with him bent over a mirror snorting fat lines of Peruvian flake. 

He said: “I’ve had a bump of sparkle in the Commons, during PMQs, on the front bench with the cameras on me. I don’t fucking care mate. 

“I’ve got a blow bill of hundreds of thousands a week. Rupert’s covering it, but keeping me in nosebag for the next month will be astronomical. 

“My wife Sarah’s holding a couple of bricks of yayo for me at the Daily Mail office now, in fact. So if there are no further questions?” 

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Man urgently needs to buy himself something

A MAN who has had a tough week is urgently searching for something he can buy himself to cheer himself up. 

Tom Booker, aged 32, is currently browsing the internet looking for just the right item to lift his spirits with the warm thrill of consumerism, though if unsuccessful has not ruled out visiting physical shops.

He said: “It’s been a bastard of a week. I don’t remember one like this since I got the expresso machine.

“I work hard, I deserve a treat now and again, but I’m struggling with exactly what. I found this fantastic pair of jeans then I remembered I still haven’t worn the last ones I bought.

“I’ve got stacks of Blu-Rays I’ve not watched, the number of unplayed videogames is approaching triple figures, and I’m drowing in single malts.

“I need a whole new category of thing I can buy to give myself that gratification buzz. Maybe I could get into watches?”

Booker’s desperate yearning for solace will end in two days’ time, when he wins an eBay auction for yet another pair of trainers.