HAVE you recently moved to the UK’s glorious capital? Expect to go through every one of these harrowing experiences.
Tube doors injury
London’s public transport system perfectly represents the city’s spirit, in that it does not care about your well-being and actively wants to harm you. Within your first few weeks in London you’ll be casually walking onto a tube when the doors will slam shut on you, painfully crushing your ribcage.
This will happen just when you think you’re getting to grips with the city. You’ll emerge from a pub or from work to find that some prick has stolen the crappy second-hand bike you’ve just bought. You’d hoped that by getting such a catastrophically shit one it wouldn’t be worth anyone’s time to steal. You were wrong.
Flora and fauna aren’t exactly the first things people will think of when moving to London. However, the city is full of wild animals that seem as profoundly rude and pissed off as most of the people living there. Brace yourself to be attacked by hungry gulls, cornered by foxes and defecated on by flocks of gormless pigeons.
Extortionate West End visit
Determined to make the most of the supposedly world-class entertainment the city has to offer, you’ll decide to head to a play in the West End. This will involve shelling out 70 quid for a seat behind a pillar to watch someone who used to be in Eastenders bellow awful show tunes for three hours.
Night bus misery
It’s amazing how far away from your house you can end up while still being in the same city. Be prepared for night time odysseys accompanied by frightening weirdos, navigating complicated bus routes that always take two hours to get you home. At some point you will drunkenly pass out on one and wake up in Leatherhead with the driver shouting at you.