Having your tie as short as possible: Lame ways teenagers try to pimp their school uniform

TEENAGERS will try anything in a pathetic attempt at rebellion. And as everyone who went to school knows, even the dullest uniform can be used to prove you don’t give a f**k.

Tie as short as possible

While having a very short tie with a massive knot is the popular choice for teenagers wanting to show how cool and anti-authoritarian they are, there’s no denying that, objectively, it looks f**king stupid. However, it’s harder for other kids to repeatedly yank and create a tiny, impossible-to-undo ‘peanut’ of a knot, so maybe classroom rebels are more into practical clothing than they realise.

Black trainers

Everyone had a kid in their year who came in wearing a pair of black Nike Air Jordans and thought none of the teachers would notice. Inevitably they did, leading to him being put in detention on a weekly basis and gaining a reputation as a cool troublemaker who was sticking it to The Man. That pupil now works in a branch of Currys and gets in trouble for the exact same thing, but The Man is a depressed 53-year-old manager called Gerald.

Rolled-up skirt

The rolled-up skirt is a sartorial classic, worn by girls for as long as school uniforms have existed. You tell your teenage daughter off for it and warn her she’ll attract the wrong kind of attention, despite the fact that you did exactly the same thing yourself and come from a generation that was a lot less savvy about sexual harassment. She calls you a hypocrite, and she’s absolutely right.

Bag covered in graffiti

Parents think a rucksack is something their child needs for carrying all their school equipment around in. But the truth is it’s a blank canvas to be covered in as many slogans and crude drawings as possible. For every ‘Drake got rizz’ there will be a badly rendered cock and balls, so it probably pays not to look too closely.

Illegal jewellery

Most schools will allow stud earrings and nothing else, but teenagers love taking the piss by trying to get away with much more ostentatious trinketry. Lads wearing diamonds, girls with huge hoops, arms full of old, smelly festival bands: you name it, they’ll try it on and then refuse to take it off, resulting in detention. Teachers actually don’t mind physical abuse, being overworked and Ofsted reports – what makes them quit is spending hours policing little dickheads who won’t remove their crusty nose rings because ‘the hole will close up’.

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Traitor has no strong opinion on Elgin Marbles

A SPINELESS turncoat does not have a furious opinion on whether the Elgin Marbles should be returned to Greece, it has emerged.

Cowardly traitor Tom Booker is refusing to pledge his allegiance to either side of the latest culture war row, and is instead focusing on news like the Israel-Hamas conflict that actually matters.

He said: “Both sides make compelling arguments. But as an average person I’m far from qualified to have an informed opinion on the legality of owning historic artworks.

“It does seem odd that an important piece of Greece’s cultural heritage is in this country. Then again, all countries have collected foreign artefacts during their history, and the British Museum is doing a bang up job of looking after them.

“I seem to annoy everyone with my indifference. Gammons foam at the mouth but I’ve noticed they don’t love the Marbles so much they’ve got a poster of them on their wall. Then lefties go on about imperialism which makes me want to go to sleep.

“Maybe we could all reach a nice compromise. Britain could keep the statues for six months before shipping them off to Athens for the rest of the year. Or am I being too reasonable about the whole thing?”

Friend Martin Bishop said: “Yes he is. I hate level-headed people like Tom who miss the point of a tabloid frenzy. I’d put him in front of a firing squad and blow up the Marbles so no one can have them.”