Friday, 4th December 2020

'Hiya!' and five other unbearable ways to greet someone

SEEN an old friend in the street? Spotted your cousin at the bus stop? Here’s six ways to alienate them from the get-go: 

Hiya!

Christ, you’re a bit chipper for a Tuesday morning. You’re not presenting CBeebies. Tone it down before you give yourself an enthusiasm-induced hernia.

What’s up?

Has anyone ever said anything but ‘not much’? Wasn’t this one already over when Budweiser parodied it two decades ago? Why would you greet people by dragging them back to happier times in their lives, then confronting them with your aged, grinning face?

Long time no see!

Whether or not this is true, your friend will now be desperately trying to remember what mutual friend’s birthday you last cornered them at. Ever considered that there might be a reason you aren’t meeting up more regularly?

Ahoy!

Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realise that you were playing some sort of seafaring character — will you be keeping it up for the whole night? Usually yelled over a crowded pub, this one will can end long-standing friendships in a single evening.

What’s happening?

This is what extras in movies scream as alien spacecraft swoop low and incinerate whole neighbourhoods with heat-rays. It’s not appropriate to greeting a colleague in the household cleansing aisle of Tesco. You know what’s happening there.

Howdy!

Not content with our perfectly serviceable British twattisms, you’ve travelled across the Atlantic and brought back this turd of a greeting. You’re in a pub in Kidderminster. Read the room, John Wayne.