Hot tub owner can steer any conversation towards owning a hot tub

A MAN who spent a fortune on a top-of-the-range outdoor jacuzzi insists on shoehorning it into every interaction.

Roy Hobbs paid £7,000 for his JetMaster 3000 and has so far managed to bring it up during a colonoscopy and at a tense divorce hearing with his wife.

Hobbs said: “Owning the hot tub is great. But telling everyone about it is even better. You just have to subtly move the conversation towards it.

“Like yesterday a homeless person asked me for money. And boom, I was in. ‘50p for something to eat? Not likely, mate. I’ve just dropped seven grand on a deluxe garden tub’.

“And when a colleague was moaning about Covid restrictions I was like ‘It doesn’t bother me, as my 36-variable-speeds jet whirlpool bath can only comfortably seat six’. Absolutely seamless.

“No one has actually volunteered to sit semi-naked with me in a bath of tepid, scummy water yet, but it’s only a matter of time.”

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New Covid restrictions ban singing, dancing, music, merriment, smiling, laughter and joy

NEW laws to stop the spread of coronavirus have made loud music, singing, dancing, and any sound or facial expression signifying pleasure illegal.  

The laws, which came into force at midnight on the advice of epidemiologists who never get invited to parties, mean that anyone in Britain who appears to be less than completely depressed will be arrested.

Health secretary Matt Hancock said: “The chances of you spreading coronavirus are far higher if you’re out enjoying yourself than sitting alone and miserable in an empty room. So we’re stamping it out.

“From now on, laughter is banned. Anyone laughing will be fined £10,000, and if you report your friends, neighbours or workmates for illegal cheerfulness you’ll get a £1,000 reward.

“Vans will patrol the streets, sensitive microphones trained on your windows. A giggle, a smirk, even a titter and your door will be kicked in and you’ll be dragged away and forcibly isolated.

“We’re saving this country from Covid if it kills the f**king lot of you.”