House plant wishing it wasn't in room where everyone sh*ts

A SPIDER plant is fed up of spending its life in a damp room where people go to the bog.

Tom Logan has been stuck on a bathroom windowsill for the past two and a half years, and has had enough of ‘looking nice’ in a room designed for dumps.

Logan said: “My ancestors are from tropical Africa, and I’m in a pot that’s too small for me, upstairs in a semi in Leeds. This is bullshit.

“A couple of times a year they hack a load of my leaves off and consider themselves horticulturists. Couldn’t they put me in the living room? That way I could at least help distract from their cheap furniture”.

Logan was purchased by renter Eleanor Shaw after she looked for some ‘bathroom inspo’ on Pinterest and found out about the power of plants to purify the air as well as add a ‘splash of colour’.

Logan added: “What’s wrong with a Glade air freshener? I’ve heard there’s a nice peach one that could go a lot further in masking the stench in here than I ever will.

“And if people are so keen to shit in full view of plants, just go outside to do your business, you perverts”.

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Blonde men asked not to grow beards

BLONDE men have been officially advised not to experiment with facial hair for the safety and happiness of those who must look at them. 

The men, who insist on attempting moustaches that may or may not be there even on close scrutiny, have admitted that the advice is probably a blessing in disguise.

Stephen Malley of Hereford said: “I grew a beard. My girlfriend made me shave it. She said she kept feeling like my face wasn’t in focus.

“It’s alright for those blokes where it comes in a shade or two darker and can finally bring some definition to their pale, nigh featureless heads, but what about me? I just look fuzzy and vaguely amorphous.

“I grew a beard last year, and it was six weeks before anyone at work noticed. Jenny in reception stroked my face, marvelling that she could feel the hair even though it was invisible. It’s humiliating.”

Marketing manager Joe Turner agreed: “They don’t have to tell me not to. My beard comes in ginger.”