How are you lying about life being better after 40?

WHEN you reach your 40s it’s customary to desperately cling to the idea that it’s good being old. So how are you kidding yourself?

You take care of your health now

But not because you are in any way mature. You go the gym purely to avoid getting any fatter and from a morbid fear of your ticker packing in if you lift anything heavier than a pint.

You’ve got your own style

Are practical waterproof jackets really a ‘style’?

You are an experienced lover

Possibly true, but how many relationships have you had where excellent sexual performance was the absolute make-or-break factor? Not shouting “Wahey!” at the point of orgasm should normally suffice.

You are older and wiser

It’s not clear how being in your 40s gives you great wisdom when you’ve been working in near-identical offices for 20 years, although you’re probably an expert on the canteen lunch menu and getting your holiday request form in early.

Also, does a wise person get shitfaced at their neighbour’s garden party, pathetically attempt to impress their teenage daughter and be sick in a shrub? No. You don’t see Socrates or Gandalf doing that.

You don’t have to be trendy

At last, a genuine benefit. Going to hellish bars, obsessing over styles of jeans and seriously worrying if the Prodigy are still cool are all youthful bollocks that can fuck right off.

You’re settled down and better off

Well, unless you’re not. This situation is made worse if your married, homeowning friends keep saying they envy your freedom when all you want is a regular cuddle and a shed.

Lots of famous actors are over 40 and they’re doing fine

Oh come on, you’re just getting desperate now.


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'Definitely going for a run tomorrow' enters fifth year

A MAN who has been promising to “go for a run tomorrow” for five years definitely means it this time.

Tom Logan, who has had the ‘Couch to 5k’ app on his phone since 2013, made the announcement to his family last night for the 1,462nd consecutive evening.

Wife Sarah said: “Over time the ritual has become more elaborate. He does some lunging exercises and puts his expensive trainers by the door as if they might do his jog for him.

“When it’s time for his run he finds some pathetic excuse to not actually go. Tonight it was ‘checking some work emails’, but he has been known to say he’s worried the cat is looking a bit peaky.

“I think this could go on forever. I can imagine us in an old folks’ home with Tom still carefully planning the route of his run as he hobbles about on a Zimmer frame.”

Tom Logan said: “I’m definitely going tomorrow. Although I have got a slight pain in my foot. I don’t want to give myself a long-term injury with all this vigorous exercise.”