How are you lying about life being better after 40?

WHEN you reach your 40s it’s customary to desperately cling to the idea that it’s good being old. So how are you kidding yourself?

You take care of your health now

But not because you are in any way mature. You go the gym purely to avoid getting any fatter and from a morbid fear of your ticker packing in if you lift anything heavier than a pint.

You’ve got your own style

Are practical waterproof jackets really a ‘style’?

You are an experienced lover

Possibly true, but how many relationships have you had where excellent sexual performance was the absolute make-or-break factor? Not shouting “Wahey!” at the point of orgasm should normally suffice.

You are older and wiser

It’s not clear how being in your 40s gives you great wisdom when you’ve been working in near-identical offices for 20 years, although you’re probably an expert on the canteen lunch menu and getting your holiday request form in early.

Also, does a wise person get shitfaced at their neighbour’s garden party, pathetically attempt to impress their teenage daughter and be sick in a shrub? No. You don’t see Socrates or Gandalf doing that.

You don’t have to be trendy

At last, a genuine benefit. Going to hellish bars, obsessing over styles of jeans and seriously worrying if the Prodigy are still cool are all youthful bollocks that can fuck right off.

You’re settled down and better off

Well, unless you’re not. This situation is made worse if your married, homeowning friends keep saying they envy your freedom when all you want is a regular cuddle and a shed.

Lots of famous actors are over 40 and they’re doing fine

Oh come on, you’re just getting desperate now.