How it's actually totally cool that you're moving back in with your parents

YOU’RE moving back home but unlike 99.99 per cent of losers, you’re actually hyped about it. Here’s how you justify that shit:

I’ll never be in

On your wage, living at home, you can go out every bloody night and all weekend. This next few months will be a back-bedroom Bacchanalia of pubs and bars and nightclubs, apart from apparently Khaleesi’s closed two years ago and there’s not really a lot going on in Uttoxeter on a Wednesday night.

It’s like having flatmates

You and mum and dad are so cool with each other now, the relationship’s totally different. The blazing rows are over. Unless the decisive change in the relationship was no longer living together, which you discover after a 40-minute bollocking for a wet towel one day in.

I’ll save loads

Paying a token amount towards bills, you’ll be rolling in cash. A deposit will build up without you even noticing while you online-shop the evenings away. The token amount certainly won’t be £400 more than expected, and you won’t be so bored you’ll have already blown all your cash on a vintage leather jacket for Friday night in Uttoxeter.

I’ll just do my own thing

It’s a big house, everyone can chill. In the literal sense because Dad only has the heating on in one room in the evening and never during the day, so there is literally no option but to sit and watch Taggart which they’re doing again from the beginning.

Getting back to my roots

You’ve been living the dream but now it’s time to live a little more real, more raw, more authentic. However you’re not Snoop Dogg doing a gangsta throwback album. Your previous flat in Loughborough was hardly bedazzling glamour, and there’s nothing raw about a big sofa in your mum’s lounge in Swindon.

I’ll be gone in no time

Like a bird briefly alighting on a branch, you’re here for momentary support. Once you’ve set up your own Depop shop you’ll be flitting off to a cool apartment by a harbour. This is a mere blip, hardly worth mentioning, you’ll genuinely forget about. No way will you still be in your childhood bedroom in ten years.

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The top six middle-class wanks

MIDDLE CLASS? Thinking of lying back and treating yourself to a bit of a strum? Here are six social-status-suitable self-abuse scenarios:

Rachel Weisz is your son’s private tutor

She’s been helping your son with maths for some time – he’s very intelligent, it’s just that he learns differently from others – when she calls you in to discuss progress milestones, your lips find hers and you end up making passionate love. Post-coitally, she tells you that Cambridge is a realistic prospect for him.

Tom Hiddleston loves your garden office

The Loki actor absolutely loves what you’ve done with your garden office, and is especially impressed with the internet speed. ‘I could spend all day out here,’ he says, looking meaningfully into your eyes before doing you over your ergonomic reclaimed-wood desk.

Timotheé Chalamet is your daughter’s boyfriend

Brooding, quirky but very polite to his elders, Chalamet comes round to see your daughter but she’s out. He stays, helping with crossword clues, until your lust overwhelms you and you make love to him on the hand-tinted porcelain tiling. He ensures you orgasm then eats two helpings of casserole.

Florence Pugh ravishes you on a parkrun

Everyone else streaks ahead, leaving you and Florence keeping pace, absorbed in a conversation about sustainable tourism. Before long the parkrun is all but forgotten and the Little Women actress blows you under a bridge. You finish the parkrun and get a PB.

Charlize Theron suggests you set up as a limited company

Theron, who is your accountant, advises that your self-employment earnings are projected to easily pass the £80,000 threshold and you should set up your own limited company for corporation tax of just 19 per cent. She’ll handle the paperwork – for a price. Makes fiscal sense.

A threesome with Dan Stevens and Phoebe Waller-Bridge

This hot couple in your reading group are blown away by your insights into Ali Smith’s Seasonal Quartet. You open wine and discussion of Brexit turns into intimate three-way lovemaking that brings alive a side of you you’d never dreamed existed. Afterwards Phoebe asks you to collaborate on a screenplay.