DO you have downstairs neighbours? Do you want to make their lives a misery no matter what hour of the day or night? Here’s what to do:
Get a massive sound system
When living in close proximity with others, the most thoughtful thing you can do is invest in a f**k-off huge stereo system. Put wooden speakers on a wooden floor and pound out dubstep at 3pm, 3am, and every time inbetween.
Wear tap shoes
Or any shoes with a hard sole – work boots, stilettos, wooden wedges – to simulate a herd of elephants roaming magnificently but emphatically across the savannah. Get a pair of roller blades to torture them further.
You think your children are annoying, but try being the people who live below the endless ceiling-shaking games of Floor Is Lava at 6am while you catch an extra couple of hours’ rest. If they complain they’re miserable child-haters, not reasonable people who just want some sodding sleep.
Due to the strange magnifying effect of your floorboards, what is to you a minor flare-up sounds like all-out domestic war downstairs. The combination of distress and anger will lead them to call the police, and then you can go down and shout at them for being nosy.
Develop a palette of mystery noises
More infuriating than recognisable noises are those that can’t be pinned down. Try setting up some sort of intermittent electrical hum or get up and shuffle about on one spot at 2.30am. By being both annoying and baffling your neighbour’s torment will be fathomless.