How to enjoy the Jubilee bank holiday if you don't give a f**k about the Queen

WONDERING what to do today if you do not care about the Queen? Enjoy the bank holiday like a normal person with these tips.

Hassle a swan

A petty act of defiance, yes, but you’ve got to do something to pass the time. Teasing Her Majesty’s beloved waterfowl can be as simple as pretending to throw them breadcrumbs, or as extreme as calling them ‘long-necked establishment pricks’. Don’t try to engage them in physical combat though, they can break your arm with their wing.

Remain indoors

If you step outside you’ll be bombarded with reminders of the Jubilee festivities. To protect your sanity, remain indoors as much as possible and only pop out for essentials like a food shop or having a fag. If you must head into densely-populated areas, make sure you maintain two metres distance from anyone wearing a Union Jack.

Don’t watch the news

This news is depressing enough even at the best of times. But for people who couldn’t give a toss about some crone who’s worn a crown for 70 years, today it’s especially awful. If that’s you, stick to channels which do not broadcast factual content like the news, such as ITV4, CBeebies, or Channel 5.

Stick on a film you’ve seen a million times

The pubs will be rammed with monarchy-loving dickheads, so you’re better off staying on your sofa, cracking open a can of Beck’s, and rewatching a film you already know off by heart. You’ll doze off before the halfway mark and end up spilling beer all over yourself, but that’s how you spend normal bank holidays anyway.

Finally start that DIY project

You’ve been avoiding putting up that shelf for years, but now the perfect time has come to sort out a minor home improvement. In comparison to watching a Red Arrows fly-by or listening to BBC royal correspondents drone on for hours, f**king up your living room wall with a nail gun sounds like a pleasant way to spend a lazy afternoon.

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Admiring your own lawn, and other middle aged warning signs

LIFE is funny. One minute, you’re young and carefree, the next you’re old. So how can you see middle age coming and avoid getting caught off-guard? Look for these warning signs.  

Admiring your own lawn

If you’ve ever mowed the lawn then stood there gawping at your own handiwork with a big shit-eating grin on your face, you’ve probably hit middle age. No young person has ever admired a lawn. They don’t have the mental capacity to think about things like grass. They’re too busy f**king each other and making TikToks.

Constantly checking on your parked car

Your car might be safely parked on the drive, but what if some local kids decide to pelt it with rocks for entertainment? This won’t happen, because you’re not living in the Toxteth riots. But would it be so bad if you wandered over to the window and had a little look, just to be on the safe side? Sadly, constant fear that something terrible is happening to your car is a reliable indicator that your days as a young person are over.    

Leaving voicemail

To the young, voicemail is a terrifying, ancient thing, like Cthulhu. Only those with youth firmly in the rear-view mirror leave a voicemail instead of hanging up and sending a text. And, if you are the type of person who leaves a voice message, consider it a double red flag if you say your name and give the date and time at the start.

Choosing food in the freezer over a takeaway

If you’ve ever gone to order a takeaway pizza only to change your mind when you remember you’ve got a ‘perfectly good’ Dr Oetker Ristorante in the freezer, you may be past the point of no return. Only people with a good few decades behind them derive more pleasure from saving a tenner than they do treating themselves to something delicious but terrible for them. 

Saying ‘the Facebook’

Frankly, if you say ‘the Facebook’, you should count yourself lucky to be called middle aged. Even David Attenborough probably knows how to say Facebook properly, and he’s the same age as the sun. The same applies to ‘the Tik Tok’, ‘the Snapchat’, ‘the Instagram’, etc.  

You’ve been alive for nearly 40 years

Yes, unfortunately it’s true. Virtually everyone who reaches the age of 40 becomes middle aged. Therefore if you’re getting close to 40, it’s extremely likely that you will soon be middle-aged yourself. That’s just science.