WONDERING what to do today if you do not care about the Queen? Enjoy the bank holiday like a normal person with these tips.
Hassle a swan
A petty act of defiance, yes, but you’ve got to do something to pass the time. Teasing Her Majesty’s beloved waterfowl can be as simple as pretending to throw them breadcrumbs, or as extreme as calling them ‘long-necked establishment pricks’. Don’t try to engage them in physical combat though, they can break your arm with their wing.
If you step outside you’ll be bombarded with reminders of the Jubilee festivities. To protect your sanity, remain indoors as much as possible and only pop out for essentials like a food shop or having a fag. If you must head into densely-populated areas, make sure you maintain two metres distance from anyone wearing a Union Jack.
Don’t watch the news
This news is depressing enough even at the best of times. But for people who couldn’t give a toss about some crone who’s worn a crown for 70 years, today it’s especially awful. If that’s you, stick to channels which do not broadcast factual content like the news, such as ITV4, CBeebies, or Channel 5.
Stick on a film you’ve seen a million times
The pubs will be rammed with monarchy-loving dickheads, so you’re better off staying on your sofa, cracking open a can of Beck’s, and rewatching a film you already know off by heart. You’ll doze off before the halfway mark and end up spilling beer all over yourself, but that’s how you spend normal bank holidays anyway.
Finally start that DIY project
You’ve been avoiding putting up that shelf for years, but now the perfect time has come to sort out a minor home improvement. In comparison to watching a Red Arrows fly-by or listening to BBC royal correspondents drone on for hours, f**king up your living room wall with a nail gun sounds like a pleasant way to spend a lazy afternoon.