How to let yourself go without anyone noticing

IT’S is the perfect time to let yourself go. But how can you do it without too many people noticing? Here’s our guide.

Make a big show of buying fruit juice. Get the Deliveroo driver to bring you a Juice Detox Pack as well as the pizza you’ve ordered every day since October. You’re not going to drink it, but the bottles will make you look healthy and you can always top them up with booze.

Disguise body odours. Buy those charcoal pants that counterbalance the smell of flatulence but sellotape them all over your body. Now you can not bathe for weeks and still smell fresh as a daisy. Probably. If you do start to stink, give yourself a good spray with Febreze.

Claim your dishevelled appearance is ‘on trend’. If you can’t be bothered to shave or get a haircut, wave a copy of Grazia or GQ around and confidently say you are ‘going for the environmentalist chic look’, or something else made-up.

Give the impression you’re exercising. Strategically placed trainers and running kit strongly suggest you’re keeping fit. Get them a bit grubby in your garden if you can’t be bothered to even go for one jog. 

Clever make-up. Contouring make-up will make your cheekbones look defined even if you’re eating three multipacks of crisps a day. However it can be a challenge if your hands get a bit wobbly after chugging your third boozy hot chocolate of the morning.

Pretend you’re taking a break from social media. This is to “reconnect with the things that really matter”. Actually you just don’t want to post pics while you’ve got a triple chin and are spending time almost exclusively with pork products.

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Seeing people fall over on ice rink best Winter Wonderland attraction

SEEING smug people fall over on an ice rink is the highlight of ‘Winter Wonderlands’, it has been confirmed. 

The spectacle is more popular than observation wheels and overpriced mulled wine, and almost makes the tedium of queuing to get in worthwhile.

Attendee Nikki Hollis said: “Winter Wonderlands are everything that’s wrong with Christmas. But I endure them on the off-chance I’ll see some tosser faceplant themselves after attempting a pirouette.

“And it’s not just me. My kids race through their trip to Santa’s grotto and only give Cirque Beserk a cursory glance as they drag me towards the ice rink.

“Seeing their little faces light up as they watch another victim stumble over and chip a tooth is like looking at something out of a Christmas card.”

Fellow visitor Donna Sheridan said: “The best ones are where it’s a couple on their first date, and instead of being something cute they can laugh about and bond over it’s just really awkward.

“I’m surprised the organisers don’t promote it more, but I’m glad they don’t because it would become mawkish and commercial like the rest of the holiday.”