TO win over Leave voters you’ve got to prove you’re one of them. Here’s how I’m going ‘full gammon’ in my latest pandering to Brexiters, writes Sir Keir Starmer.
Learn the sayings
I’ve promised to embrace the ‘Take back control’ message, which is code for ‘I don’t like immigrants’, so that should bring in plenty of votes. I’m also practising shouting ‘Just get Brexit done!’ over any reasoned debate and saying ‘We won, suck it up’ in a sneering way. Then I somehow claim Remainers are the obnoxious ones.
Understand f**k all about the EU
I’m too well-informed to make moronic comments like ‘We were paying a billion pounds a week to the EU army’ so I’ve tried hitting myself over the head with a brick. My doctor says I’ve lost 30 IQ points already. Another month of self-inflicted brain damage and I should be thick enough to really get behind Brexit.
Go on BBC Question Time
In the audience, I mean. This seems to be a favourite hobby of Brexiters, so I had to give it a go. The secret is to be really angry but your point to be really garbled, so I said: ‘I’m sick of subsidising fish, when did the Spanish ever help Ukraine?’ I’m really getting the hang of this ‘gammon’ business.
Get the motor
Many gammons are also white van men, so I’ve ditched the leader of the opposition’s bulletproof Jag and bought a Ford Transit with a St George flag clipped to the roof because I bloody love my country. I went to the House of Commons in it today, which was fun because I could drive dangerously close to cyclists for a laugh and then I blocked someone’s drive.
Deny it’s about immigration then say it’s about immigration
I’ve been roaming the streets looking for TV news crews doing vox pops about Brexit. I found one and chuntered on about sovereignty and closed-down shops, before letting slip ‘And they need to do something about all the immigrants’. I felt it was a virtuoso performance. I was so deeply in character I actually didn’t want them here living eight to a room, bringing all their relatives and cooking food what smells funny.
Never shut up about snowflakes
I’ve really got into the mindset of despising young and/or considerate people. Last night I ranted incessantly about how snowflakes would have been useless during the Battle of Arnhem until my normally calm and gentle wife screamed ‘SHUT THE F**K UP YOU REPETITIVE F**KING BASTARD!’ and threw a bowl of spinach dhal at me.
Get the red-faced gammon look
Due to playing football regularly I haven’t got the classic cusp-of-a-coronary gammon look. I tried make-up but just looked like an offensive gay stereotype. Luckily I discovered drinking a bottle of vodka a day under a UV lamp makes your capillaries burst most effectively. Now I feel the Brexit vote is almost in the bag, unless everyone realises what a pile of shit it is before the election, in which case I am deservedly f**ked.