How to look sexy when you're sweating like a pig

WANTED to look sexy in the heatwave but now you’re sunburned and damp all over? Here’s what to do:

Pretend your wet look is intentional

What, you didn’t know it’s currently very hip to have big damp patches blooming on your back and armpits? Don’t you read Vogue? It was all over the catwalk this season. You might think it looks a bit gross, but that’s because you’re a pleb who doesn’t understand the haute couture aesthetic of 2022.

Where an entirely white outfit

You can’t wear black because it’s too bloody hot and any other colour is going to show those sweat stains instantly. The solution is to choose a head-to-toe white outfit, which you can sweat all over and no one will be any the wiser. The only downside is that you’ll look like a weird cult member and people will go out of their way to avoid you, rather than asking you out.

Take all of your clothes off

Given that clothes are the main problem when you’re sweating like a glass blower’s arse, why not just take them off. It will relieve that horrible feeling of moist fabric flapping round your body and, when you are inevitably arrested, you’ll be able to really cool down in a nice, dark police station cell.

Put lots more clothes on

Honestly, if your wobbly bits are bright pink and glistening like a roasting hog at a summer barbecue, you should put them away. People are much more likely to fancy you if you’re covered up. Or at the very least they won’t back away whimpering.

Stay at home and have a wank

If the reason you wanted to look sexy is because you fancied a shag, give it up as a bad job, stay at home and have a wank instead. You can wear f**k all, pop on a fan, or even cover yourself in Viennetta if you like, ensuring you’ll be nice and cool as well as marginally sexually satisfied.

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Keir Starmer's guide to being bold and radical without offending bigots

I’M Keir Starmer, here to present a radical vision for Labour which won’t offend the racists and bigots who would never vote for me anyway. Here’s my plan:

Don’t condemn the Conservative’s worst policies

I want to appeal to everyone, including the type of person who thinks they’re ‘indigenous’ to the United Kingdom, so I’ll hedge my bets on everything, including sending refugees to Rwanda. I’ll vaguely criticise it to appeal to my core voters but not promise to scrap it completely so borderline racists might still give me a chance. Radical, huh?

Slag off your own side

If there’s one thing that appeals to Tories, it’s calling Jeremy Corbyn a twat. No matter that I was in his shadow cabinet or campaigned for him to Prime Minister, I’m prepared to throw anyone under the bus if I think it will win me votes. But in a more caring and compassionate way than Boris Johnson, obviously.

Use topical cultural references

Nothing wins hearts and minds quicker than using topical cultural references to make witty jokes about the opposition. That’s why I chose to reference the 1983 film Return of the Jedi at PMQs. I also talked about Love Island, which wasn’t at all like a tedious old uncle trying to engage with his teenage relatives by asking about ‘the TikToks’.

Get behind Brexit

No matter if the country is f**ked every which way from Sunday, people who think the French are morally questionable bastards who smell of garlic will let themselves be shafted endlessly as long as they have their precious Brexit. So I’ll refuse to consider rejoining the Single Market, which will help nothing apart from the egos of some xenophobic old duffers.

Subvert the right wing press by sucking up to them completely

I’ll talk to right-wing press newspapers and make it seem like I believe all the things they believe in. But I won’t just lull them into a false sense of security, I’ll lull them into a genuine sense of security by actually meaning it and doing nothing to offend or disrupt the establishment. Why offer a genuine alternative when you can just peddle more of the same old shit?