WANTED to look sexy in the heatwave but now you’re sunburned and damp all over? Here’s what to do:
Pretend your wet look is intentional
What, you didn’t know it’s currently very hip to have big damp patches blooming on your back and armpits? Don’t you read Vogue? It was all over the catwalk this season. You might think it looks a bit gross, but that’s because you’re a pleb who doesn’t understand the haute couture aesthetic of 2022.
Where an entirely white outfit
You can’t wear black because it’s too bloody hot and any other colour is going to show those sweat stains instantly. The solution is to choose a head-to-toe white outfit, which you can sweat all over and no one will be any the wiser. The only downside is that you’ll look like a weird cult member and people will go out of their way to avoid you, rather than asking you out.
Take all of your clothes off
Given that clothes are the main problem when you’re sweating like a glass blower’s arse, why not just take them off. It will relieve that horrible feeling of moist fabric flapping round your body and, when you are inevitably arrested, you’ll be able to really cool down in a nice, dark police station cell.
Put lots more clothes on
Honestly, if your wobbly bits are bright pink and glistening like a roasting hog at a summer barbecue, you should put them away. People are much more likely to fancy you if you’re covered up. Or at the very least they won’t back away whimpering.
Stay at home and have a wank
If the reason you wanted to look sexy is because you fancied a shag, give it up as a bad job, stay at home and have a wank instead. You can wear f**k all, pop on a fan, or even cover yourself in Viennetta if you like, ensuring you’ll be nice and cool as well as marginally sexually satisfied.